Oscar wants a pl@ym@te

September Gurls...

2008-09-15T09:41:00.004-04:00

One of my fave songs by The Bangles...oh I'm so old!

Anyway--things here are going fine, busy. I'm back at work. Sylvie loves daycare...for me--the first day was misery, Mondays are hard, Fridays are harder--I stare at the clock all day, tick, tock. The weekends are lovely, the evenings too short. All in all we are doing great, finding a routine, losing it, finding another. We are still cloth diapering, and Sylvie is finding her way with the bottle when away from me. Some nights she nurses every 2 hours, or more, but cosleeping is our sleep savior.

I'm going to start bringing my laptop to work so I can post when pumping. At least that is the plan which I hope will help me bring you more frequent updates someday soon. I still need to share the story of my recovery (a post I started early in August). Bye!

3 months old

2008-07-30T13:17:00.003-04:00

(I posted this morning the rest of the birth story, but it is dated June 29-when I started writing it-just in case you missed it)
---
In a few days Sylvie will be 3 months old. Time has flown by so quickly I can hardly believe it. We're having a great summer and everything is going well. She is growing and changing and just completely awesome. I'm not sure that this will turn into a mommy blog but there are several things of note I want to be sure to mention:
1. We cosleep and I love it. It's just so easy for us. I started doing this the first night of her life. I brought her into the hospital bed with me and just stared at her all night long. I had to, really, because the nurse came in and admonished me: "Don't let me catch you asleep with that baby in your bed!" Whatever! Not a night has passed that she hasn't spent most or all of it with me. I've recently started putting her in the crib for the first leg of the sleep relay but bring her to bed with me for the rest of the night.
2. Cloth diapering is going well. I am using these Swaddlebees pocket diapers. We wash them about every 2 days. Initially I was having some trouble with wicking but I fixed that by stripping the diapers with OxyClean--this also got out all the old poop stains. My only issue is that 6 of my diapers were defective (elastic leg gathers became slack) resulting in one extreme poop in my bed. OxyClean to the rescue again! We use Seventh Generation disposables when out and about.
3. I am going back to work on Sept 3rd. It will be hard for both of us, I think. I'll keep you posted. Sylvie does not like to take bottles and this has me moderately anxious. I have been assured that it will all work out.
4. Being a mom IS all it's cracked up to be. For me, babies are magical and I am in a trance with my little one. To be sure there are difficult moments and sometimes difficult days, but they always pass. I often worry--mostly about poop, spit-up, sun exposure enough/too much, among other things , but that is what moms do and at the end of the day she seems pretty happy despite the fussies and falls asleep cuddled next to me or in my arms. I wish this for everyone who wants it. I can't get enough of it.

If you would like to see (possibly an excessive amount of) pictures go here.

I will write more during the next nap, I swear!

Late, later, even later labor, and delivery

2008-06-29T21:24:00.013-04:00

I started this post 2, no 4 weeks ago. I'm a shit blogger. Those of you who stop by regularly already know this. I frequently go months between posts...luckily I'm a better mother than blogger. Could these things even be compared? Probably not.
----------
**Reader discretion is advised: Gross information below, this is childbirth after all!**

We arrived in triage and were quickly shown to an exam room. I peed in the cup and changed into a gown. The midwife was paged (still my regular prenatal midwife) and arrived swiftly. I was already on the monitor and the sound of baby's heartbeat filled the room. The nurse walked out of the bathroom with my pee results. Apparently I was passing ketones. Meaning I was undernourished. I was also apparently dehydrated. The midwife examined my cervix...I was holding my breath for this, hoping I was at least 5 cm...I was only dilated 2-3 cm. All information was not pleasing to my ears. It meant that I needed fluids and that we still had a looooooong way to go. As an aside, I'd like to mention that the midwife said I could be sent home to labor longer if I wanted but if I wanted to stay, I could. For a myriad of reasons I stayed. One being, who wants to get back in the car and ride home again only to have to turn around at some later point to come back to the hospital? No thanks. On a related point, I just wanted to settle in for the long haul. Also I felt more comfortable with the hospital staff around, just in case.
Another nurse arrived to start the IV. First she tried the back of my left hand then the back of my right. Since I was dehydrated, my veins were not cooperating and she kept getting hung up on the valves. So where did she end up putting the IV? In the crook of my left elbow, thank you very much. It wasn't a needle, but one of those plastic cannula thingies, but still not a good location for an IV regardless of the situation. But that was what we got and we worked with it. Eventually, we were shown to our room. I hopped (ha-ha) into another wheel chair and went for a ride.
When we arrived in the room the great irritation of getting me properly monitored began. Since I was receiving IV fluids I had to be monitored continuously. They wanted to use the wireless waterproof devices but I had shit equipment in my room and they wouldn't work. I wonder if they are kept in better working order in the tub rooms...well, I wouldn't be finding out on this trip. After getting connected to the regular monitoring equipment I got back down to the business of laboring. Oops, not yet, my dear, someone is here to see you. Someone from the anesthesiology staff dropped in to give me the skinny on my options. I informed her that I was trying to do this naturally, thank you very much, that I did not want to be offered pain control and that if I needed it I would ask for it. I also said that if I needed anything I would have an epidural and she ran down the risks/benefits portion of the informed consent. I wasn't asked to sign anything at this point.
Remember the birth plan I forgot on the kitchen table? Well, as luck would have it, my husband works at this hospital. And as further luck would have it I had the document saved in Google, so he was able to go to his department, print off the plan and bring it back. When he brought the plan back, I saw the nurse look it over for a second and put it in the back of my chart which momentarily annoyed me. Let me say at this point that having the plan on hand was nice in theory but in practice it just didn't work out...details to follow.
So despite all this stuff, I was still in labor, right? I would say over this time the contractions were getting steadily more intense, but I was doing my level best to breathe through them. It was evening time, I guess during my breaks I was sucking on popsicles and eating applesauce. During the contractions, I was breathing, moaning, getting my back rubbed by my husband and generally just trying to get through. I recall lying on my left side in the bed and looking at this tiny screw in the hospital bed, a six-sided star shaped screw. And I was trying to visualize that tiny star-screw opening up into huge fireworks. I desperately hoped that this visualization technique would speedily open my cervix.
There were many trips to the bathroom during these hours of labor. On one of them, I felt something slippery and wet between my legs. I complete freaked, fearing that my water broke while I was peeing and that the umbilical cord had come out first. I called my husband over to check what was hanging between my legs. Turns out it was just the bloody show. It was much larger than I was expecting. Sometime after losing the bloody show my water broke. It was an unmistakable pop/gush breaking of water. The midwife came back to measure me and I was now dilated to 5-6 cm. This must have been around 10 pm.
At this point my contractions were beyond intense. In fact, I lost all control over my body at this point. This was the scariest part of labor by far. What actually happened is so clear in my mind, although I can't remember how many contractions we allowed to go by before something was done about it. Dilated to 6 my body involuntarily started trying to push the baby out. Now, going through these intense ass contractions and focusing and breathing and then also trying to fight a war against my body to stop the pushing was so fucking hard. I was making crazy sounds and flopping all over the bed like a fish out of water. I told my husband I wanted to die. I was terrified. The midwife advised me that if I couldn't stop the pushing that I would damage my cervix. Around 11:30 I told them to bring back the anesthesiologist. NOW. I signed the consent faster than I've endorsed any check, even when I was flat broke. Then I got the epidural. Despite the freaky contractions I was able to hold my body perfectly still for the Dr. And then...sweet relief. I told the anesthesiologist and nurse anesthetist that I loved them. Three times. The nurse then placed the catheter and I was fully bed bound for the rest of the event. It was around midnight and we settled down to try to get some rest.
My husband fell asleep immediately and I may have dozed but was too excited to really sleep. I was also really itchy about which it didn't really occur to me to complain until much later. In any case, I was hanging out, craning my neck around to watch the monitor since I couldn't feel anything any longer and see how often the contractions were occurring-about every 3 to 4 minutes. A few hours passed like this and around 2 or 3 am the midwife came in to talk to me (I think we were on our 3rd midwife at this point). She was concerned about the decelerations and also monitoring equipment. She was also worried I was low on amniotic fluid and that the position I was lying in was not good for the labor pressures. So the first thing she asked if we could do was set up continuous internal fetal monitoring. I consented. Then she wanted to do an amniofusion, basically to infuse saline into my uterus and replace some fluids. Then I changed positions from sitting on my butt to kneeling with my arms resting on the back of the bed. This improved the baby's heart rate as well as our ability to measure it. I continued on in this position for what seemed like hours. My husband woke up to hang out with me and shared a concern about my knees. Namely that I was crushing them with my monstrous weight. I assured him I was comfortable (duh, epidural) but that I would change positions when I could no longer kneel. I got some Benadryl for the itching and settled in to labor without feeling.
Eventually, hours passed like this, a new day broke, and a new midwife arrived, lovely Mary. She measured my progress and I was now 7-8 cm dilated. So, overnight I only gained 2 cm. I was not that surprised. I knew this was likely to happen with the epidural. So, it was now time to add pitocin to the mix. We had to get this baby out after all. The morning passed with the epidural slowly wearing off and the contractions getting more intense aided by the Pit. Finally around noon I was dilated to 9.5. I only had anterior lip of cervix that impeded my pushing. Mary tried moving it out of the way while I gave pushing a try, but it kept moving back into place. She said we could wait for me to dilate the rest of the way before I started pushing and left for a bit. Thing was, I had an overwhelming urge to push. So I did. For the next few contractions, and with my husband's help I pushed. They came back after a bit to measure me and I was finally 10. So I was now pushing with every contraction. I was also changing position between each 2nd or 3rd contraction because the decelerations were getting too low with each push. An MFM specialist, Dr K, came to see me about assisting the delivery (meaning forceps, vacuum or section). I asked to stay in the room and try to push the baby out myself. She gave me a half hour. I asked the staff to bring in a mirror so I could watch the baby's head come out. I pushed and pushed (it felt so good to push) and I was able to feel the baby moving down. Then I could see the top of her head and I pushed and pushed but she wouldn't come out and the heart rate was going and staying so low. Dr K came back and said we've got to help you get this baby out, we can't wait any longer. And I cried...I desperately wanted to do it myself. I thought somehow despite all the interventions I would be able to do this myself. But I didn't seem to have a choice, we had to get the baby out before something bad happened. So around 2 I stopped pushing, signed the consent for forceps assisted delivery with the possibility of a section if they couldn't pull her out. I was wheeled to the OR in my bed. I cried the whole way there. Upon entering the OR I saw what seemed like 20 health care professionals (maybe closer to 12-15). I completely freaked out, I was wailing, heaving sobs. This was so not going to be the birth I had imagined. Everyone was so kind to me, they calmed me down and were so reassuring. I am convinced that one of the reasons they needed so many in there, besides the obvious, was so that they could heft me from my hospital bed onto the operating table. They got me situated, and the anesthesiologists turned the epidural up to the max. My husband was holding my left hand and Mary was holding my right. I looked down and I could see Dr K placing the forceps. The head of the maternal fetal medicine division was sitting by my left knee and patting me reassuringly. They said they would tell me to push when I was having a contraction. They told me to push once and I could feel her head coming out. Then they told me to stop pushing. They had to reduce the cord which was around her neck and the reason for the bad decels. Then they told me to push again and I felt her come out. Then she was here!

Oscar helping me through early labor

2008-06-17T23:42:00.002-04:00

I kicked him off just as soon as I felt the next contraction begin. Seriously, I know he was trying to comfort me, but laboring with an animal lying on your uterus just doesn't compute.

Early labor

2008-06-17T23:32:00.002-04:00

Twelve days after the delivery I started writing the story of Sylvia's arrival. Then my computer crashed and I lost it. Now I am starting again, nearly 50 days after her arrival and will be a bit more conscientious to SAVE my work instead of putting my computer to sleep with documents open.
On April 30th, I woke with a start from sleep. I looked at the clock and it was 3:23 am. I was having my first labor contraction and I was excited. I lay in bed for the next hour, keeping an eye on the clock and trying a little bit to rest, but it was so hard because I knew that in a short time (ha. ha-ha.) I'd be meeting our daughter. So I got the laptop out and opened up contractionmaster.com to start keeping track of the frequency and duration of my contractions. They were about 10-12 min apart and lasting about 45 seconds. I decided around 4:30 or so that I couldn't sleep so I started reading blogs, to get fully caught up before things got too intense. At this point I was dealing with the contractions, lying on my side, and breathing through them. Around 5:30 I woke up my husband and told him that I was in labor (we were sleeping in separate rooms which we'd been doing for a while because of his snoring). He soon got up and got ready for work. You might think this strange, after all I was in labor. However, he only had 4 days of paternity leave and I had planned in advance for a friend to come over and hang out with me while I labored at home.
I was just looking over a chat I had with Bea that morning around 6:30 am. My contractions at that point were 7-10 min apart and lasting 1 to 1.5 min. In the interest of sharing everything that was happening (oh, don't worry, this will get much more graphic), I let Bea know that I was sweating like crazy, especially from my feet. And now you know, too. Around 7 am I got on the birth ball and my contractions went down to 6 min apart but were a bit shorter. I got a shower and had breakfast around 8 am or so and my contractions went down to 4 min apart but were even shorter in duration. At some point I set up camp on the sofa, unlocked the front door and waited for my friend Z to arrive. At about 10 am she got to my house and we hung out in the living room all day, me laboring, she watching and fetching me water and gatorade. I should mention that Z is also pregnant, she was about 15 weeks or so when I went into labor. She was impressed with my ability to breathe through the contractions and I kept thinking, hey, I can totally do this. I can get through this labor focusing and breathing, etc. Around noon I had some lunch, cottage cheese and yogurt. I was laboring at this point between the sofa (lying on one side or another with a waterproof cloth underneath) and the yoga ball (leaning on the ball with my knees on the floor or the exercise mat I guess) but in all honestly mostly lying on the sofa because that felt the best. Throughout the day my contractions were about 5-6 min apart and lasting a minute or so. Every time I had a contraction I would report to Z and we would discuss how it went, how I was feeling whether it was more or less intense than the last and so on. I don't recall how often I was going to the bathroom and I am also uncertain how much I was drinking (not enough as I found out later). In the afternoon, I had Z phone triage and the midwife on call phoned back. Lucky for me, the midwife on call was the one I had seen for most of my prenatal care, she knows me well and we have a good rapport and I was glad to be talking with her. I told her what was up with the contractions and asked whether a tub room was available. A tub room was not available, much to my chagrin, and my midwife said I could keep laboring at home and to call back later.
My husband called periodically throughout the day as I was sending him text messages on his pager to let him know how the contractions were going. He finished work around 3pm and stopped off at an electronic store to pick up a Flip video camera. He got home by 4pm and Z took off, wishing us luck and a speedy (ha. ha-ha) delivery. Labor was picking up. The contractions were about 4 min apart and were getting more and more intense. I was still doing pretty well, breathing through them and so on. I was either in the bathroom or on the bed when I told him to call triage and page the midwife again. When she called back we gave her the update on the contractions and after some hemming and hawing and a particularly intense contraction I had my husband tell her we were coming in--she thought I could probably still stay home for awhile, but I was ready to get to the hospital. I already had the car packed with the bags (it was packed for weeks, honestly, except for the birth plan which I carefully printed out and carelessly left on the kitchen table) so we got in and were on our way at about 5 pm. My contractions sped up to 2 minutes apart while we were in the car and I begged my husband to pull over at least once.
When we arrived at the triage parking area, we just happened to see a neurology resident we know who ran into the hospital to get a wheelchair and then kindly helped me get in it and then wheeled me inside. He wished us well as the elevator doors closed and up to triage we went, leaving our car in the triage parking spot, completely ignoring the valet parkers and basically acting like we owned the place. The elevator stopped on the main floor and about 20 people got in with us, at which point I shouted: I AM IN LABOR PEOPLE--HOW DARE YOU GET ON THIS ELEVATOR WHEN I AM HAVING A CONTRACTION??? Ok, I did not say any of this but I was thinking it especially since everyone seemed to be staring at me although how I knew this through my closed eyes and downturned head is simply quite amazing, no?
And then we all popped out of the elevator on the Labor and Delivery floor and we arrived at triage where the next installment of the story will pick up...

So many stories to tell

2008-05-14T18:57:00.002-04:00

But first a photo of my kids lying peacefully together for the first time:

Sylvia is doing wonderfully. Mom has had a pretty rough road these past 2 weeks. I have started writing a monster post or 2 to tell you all about it. I finally got my ass sewn back together today (this statement will make sense soon, I assure you) 13 days after the first sewing and 8 days after the unsewing. Thanks to Percocet, Oxycodone, Motrin, and a wonderful nursing relationship with my child, I am getting by. I hope you are all doing well and will start trying to catch up on blogs very soon.

Welcome to Sylvia Grace

2008-05-02T21:15:00.003-04:00

Here is our darling daughter at 1 day old. Sylvia was born at 2:23 pm on May 1, and measured 7 lbs 2 oz with a length of 20 inches. She's an absolute delight!
I have a long labor story story to share with you all, but not today. I hope you are well, thanks for stopping by. I'll be home tomorrow from the hospital. Talk to you soon!

WWD13

2008-04-30T07:09:00.002-04:00

At 3:23 this morning I woke up to a strong contraction. They have been coming about 8-10 min apart since then when I've been lying in bed sorta Bradley style and now 6ish min apart on the ball (the duration of each contraction was longer when in bed). Wow, so almost 4 hours in labor. Hopefully the next time you visit it will be to see pics of our baby and not to me saying, oops, false alarm!
I am feeling great! I'll talk to you soon!

More on WWD12

2008-04-30T05:58:00.002-04:00

The non-stress test yesterday went well. Monitoring session-plenty of accels and baby movement. The AFI was great, the first pocket found was 5 cm and the second was 2 cm. So no Dr MFM trying to recommend an induction! Woohoo. I saw the same midwife as last Thursday (when I was 41 weeks). We had a great chat about induction and she examined me and swept my membranes again. Oh holy hell it hurt a lot more today than yesterday. Either her touch was a little more aggressive or I was a little more sensitive due to the previous tweaking.
Last evening I watched some movies and after watching "An Affair to Remember" (I reserved a bunch of Deborah Kerr movies on my netflix list right after she passed away) I asked my husband to go for a walk with me. It was about 9:30, but I wanted to work with the weak contractions and see if I could augment them. We walked around the neighborhood and then down to the neighborhood Park. The sidewalk winds up between a couple of hills and there is a playground in the middle with one of those spiral slides. Anyway, as we were coming up the hill, I spotted a man on the other side of the spiral slide and it appeared he was involved in an public act of indecency [we could not see another party but I'm pretty sure if we had gotten closer we would have seen someone on their knees in front of him]. I stopped in my tracks and whispered my husbands name and that there was a man "over there". We slowly backed down the walkway and then rushed home. Let me tell you, any contractions I was having on that walk were suddenly halted by what we witnessed. My neighborhood has lost its innocence. At least in my eyes!

Womb Watch: Day 12

2008-04-29T13:16:00.002-04:00

My monitoring session yesterday went just fine and dandy. Baby had good heart rate with excellent movement and corresponding accelerations. The AFI was better than last Thursday at just under 5 cm. Dr MFM attending yesterday recommended I be induced (a message received via midwife) and I declined. We chatted a bit about induction, what the options are and hubby and I got our questions answered and decided to hold off for now, which I can only do until Thursday. I had the midwife to sweep my membranes when she examined my cervix which was soft, 50% effaced and between 1-2 cm dilated but still very posterior. My BP was great so no problems on my end.
I have another monitoring session in an hour. I'm sure they will recommend I be induced today, but I'm going to try and hold out until Thursday. It's getting harder to say no, but baby is healthy, I am healthy and I'm willing to hold out for spontaneous labor.
Thanks so much for stopping by and thanks for all the support. This super extended latent phase of labor has been somewhat frustrating but I feel fine letting it continue with the knowledge that we are both healthy. I think as others lean on me to get the induction I get a little more on edge and start to question myself. Today has been particularly...tricky. In the end what will happen, will indeed happen. I'm trying to prepare myself for all possible outcomes. But I guess that I'm still hoping for spontaneous labor and natural vaginal delivery.

Ready to evict

2008-04-27T05:45:00.004-04:00

It's early Sunday morning. I have been awake since 5 am wondering why I haven't gone into labor. Please come out little baby, we really want to meet you!
Every morning I wake up astonished that I didn't go into labor during the preceding night. And every day I get a little bit more anxious as we approach the 42 week mark, the day where induction will be required. Hell I'm even a little anxious the powers that be will want to admit me for an induction after my monitoring session at 10am Monday. I will hope that in the intervening hours something happens.

Watching cement harden...

2008-04-25T20:50:00.002-04:00

I woke up with contractions this morning. Duration: short. Frequency: not so frequent. They've been coming and going all day, these low grade hope raisers. I went to pick up some Labor Boost (a lotion containing Black Cohosh) this afternoon which I've been slathering on my belly every 2 hours. We'll see what happens, if anything. In the meantime, hubby and I went for a 1.5 hour walk (see pic below) during which I had several contractions but none that were what I would call 'labor'. When we got home, I had some juice, counted kicks, and now I'm just sitting here watching the cement harden in our new sidewalk slabs. Tomorrow, I plan to watch the grass grow and if anyone is painting around here, perhaps I'll waddle over and watch it dry!

Update on today's appt

2008-04-24T19:04:00.002-04:00

I had an appointment at the perinatal assessment center today. They put me on the fetal monitors and then looked at my amniotic fluid. The monitoring went splendidly. The baby was moving around and showed us some excellent accelerations of her heart rate. The U/S showed a slightly below normal amount of amniotic fluid. The nurse who performed the testing suggested I could be admitted and with an induction TODAY. First she paged the midwife on call who came over to talk with me, examine my cervix (no changes since last Friday, still 50% effaced and 1cm dilated, and high, and posterior, ugh) and to whom I confided that I did not want to be induced if at all possible. The midwife met with the perinatologist who agreed that I was OK to go thru the weekend and come back on Monday for another non-stress test. Hopefully, baby will arrive long before Monday. The hubby and I went for a nice long walk after work and right now I'm sitting/bouncing on the yoga ball trying to get this child to cooperate. Oh, I'm also drinking lots of water. I may have been dehydrated which could have led to my slightly low amniotic fluid index. I was advised to keep up the kick counts, drink plenty of water, and call if anything seems unusual.
Stay tuned...

41 weeks

2008-04-24T07:45:00.003-04:00

Yep, still here with the baby on the inside. There have been a few nights this week, Monday night in particular where I thought, OK, here we go! But then I fall asleep and the contractions go away (probably not in that order) and I wake up the next morning thinking Hmm, OK, I guess last night wasn't the night. On Tuesday I was in major nesting mode. I cleaned the garage to the point I was shop-vacking up the dirt and reorganizing our lawn implements. I also cleaned the kitchen floor and pulled up the FLOR tiles in the living room, cleaned under them and put them back down. That day, I also went for acupuncture and got my stagnant qi all stirred up, and later that evening went for a nice long walk around the neighborhood. I thought, Surely tonight will be the night! Nada. I have also been trying a couple of other methods here and there to no avail. I've also been knitting up a storm, hats and booties for the most part since they are projects that can be finished quickly.
Today at 3 pm, I will go for non-stress testing of the fetus, which to my understanding includes fetal monitoring and ultrasound. I can't wait to see the baby--it's been more than 20 weeks!
Confession: What I haven't been doing...reading blogs. I'm going to fix a cuppa right now and get caught up. Hope you are all well, thanks for stopping by and checking in on us!

Still here...

2008-04-19T09:28:00.002-04:00

I am officially on Maternity Leave. Huzzah!
Yesterday was my last prenatal checkup at the midwife clinic. Much to the surprise of my midwife, I asked her to do a cervix check. She was surprised because I spoke strongly in the past of my desire to not know and just let things happen. I did have 2 reasons for wanting to get checked yesterday. First, I wanted to know what it felt like to have this checked when I was actually not in active labor so that I could be prepared later on how to relax through the procedure. It's sort of uncomfortable and I just wanted to be prepared for that. The other reason is that I might try some other herbal remedies for getting things going (black cohosh, under the supervision of an herbalist/naturopath) and you have to have a softened cervix for this to work. Alas, I was told that my cervix is very soft, 50% effaced and 1cm dilated. And I think that poking around yesterday dislodged some more mucus plug. Also, last night I had lots of contractions some of them more "serious" than others, but this morning things are quiet again. I think I may go for a walk and see what I can stimulate. I don't want to overstimulate, though, since I am meeting some friends for lunch and going to see the Dalai Lama this afternoon.
Any more prenatal appointments will be conducted through the perinatal assessment center where they will perform non-stress testing (ultrasound and external fetal monitoring) to ensure that things are still tikkity-boo. I am also on the schedule for a hospital induction May 1st. I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that.
Baby has been moving reassuringly since the day I went for monitoring. Good baby.
My husband is getting extremely impatient. Last night he wanted to play hopscotch. We did go for a long walk and I sprint-walked at the end which got some things moving (TMI-my bowels) but not others (labor).

That's funny, she doesn't seem like a raving lunatic...

2008-04-16T23:24:00.003-04:00

I freaked out today. Everything was going swimmingly and then yesterday and today I noticed very little movement down below. And I felt different. And by 3 this afternoon I had myself whipped into a frenzy over fetal distress, meconium passing in utero, slowing heart rate, basically worst case scenario. I desperately needed to hear the heartbeat. So. I called the clinic (crying) and choked out my name and concern to the receptionist. She tried to get a nurse on the phone but no one was available and she patched me thru to triage. By this point I was sobbing and inarticulate. I finally was able to tell the nurse my name, my concerns, and my number and waited for the midwife on call to get back to me. Meanwhile, one of my sweet labmates (who is going through hell right now as she lost her mother recently) consoled me, bringing me cold towels to put on the back of my neck and helped me calm down. Love her. The midwife called me back and I walked over to triage for monitoring (my lab is in a building adjacent to my hospital). I was so pleased that the midwife on call was the same one I've been seeing all along. Everyone in triage was so sweet and kind and understanding. And the first thing I heard after getting on the monitor was baby's heartbeat. And that was all I really needed. I would have been happy to drive over to my clinic just to hear the doppler; I just needed to know that it was still beating. In any case, I thought I was level-headed and even keeled about this pregnancy and today I just totally lost my shit. And I thought you should know.

Crickets...

2008-04-16T07:23:00.003-04:00

The sound of them, that is.
That's what is going on here anyway. Just waiting. I've been experiencing tons of Braxton Hicks or prelabor contractions with a few "hard contractions" thrown in to spice things up the past 2 days. Yesterday at work we had a conference call with some patent lawyers and I was contracting away...luckily my boss did almost all the talking. Nervy situations seem to enhance the contractions.
This morning has been quiet, only a few contractions, very light. So I suppose I'll go to work.
No more signs of the mucus plug. I'm beginning to wonder if what I saw before was even part of it. It doesn't matter, I suppose, but it got me a little excited all the same. I closely examine the bowl, my pads, and tp for any signs...kind of reminds me of looking for signs of AF, except, you know, I actually want to see signs of the MP.
What else...
The bag is in the car, as is the infant car seat and a bag containing extra pillows for laboring in the hospital...so we're basically ready, just waiting for the real thing to start. Just before we moved the infant car seat to its base in the car, someone else decided to claim it for himself:

Not much happenin' here...(39w today)

2008-04-10T20:24:00.003-04:00

But I thought I'd say hi anyway.

Hodgepodge post:

Last night it is possible that a very tiny chunk of mucus plug exited the building. I'm not sure, but that's what I'm thinking. Not that it means anything.
I am feeling much better, thanks so much for all your sweet well wishes, just a little stuffy at this point and a cough here and there. I'm definitely over the worst of this cold.
I told my boss that next Friday will be my last day at work. You know, the Friday that is the day after my due date. He doesn't think I'll still be pregnant at that point, but I'm convinced I'll go 41 weeks. In any case, whatever happens will happen and all that crap.
On a related note, I've been crossing days off the calendar. But with no set endpoint (other than May 1st-42 weeks), it's seems kind of silly. But I'm doing it anyway as it eats up 5 seconds of my long day at work.
We had an infant CPR class last night. When I was practicing the 'skill' for dealing with a conscious, choking infant (whacking between the shoulder blades with the heal of my hand), I accidentally tooted. I think only my husband heard it, but he was totally mortified and skootched his chair away from me. I couldn't help but giggle. I am SO GASSY. And there is no room for it! Sorry, I know this is not a topic for polite blogversation, but there it is anyway. Also, there were some really bossy wives at this class and I had to laugh, until I heard myself being the same way, shame on me. But you know, sometimes, these husbands just need to be told how to do things!
I slept so well last night. I tried withholding fluids a bit last night-having a class helped with that-and went to sleep around 11 and I think I only got up once to pee. It was totally awesome. I will cherish it as it may be my last several hour night of sleep for some time to come.

Are you hungry?

2008-04-09T05:11:00.003-04:00

Last night before settling into bed, I had to eat. This was around 1 am, only a few hours ago. I got up to pee a few times since and then woke up at 4:30 to pee and am again feeling quite peckish (that means hungry right?). It's now 5:15 and I have been reading blogs of those in other time zones (go see Adrienne!!) and have determined I must eat again. Then I will undoubtedly eat again when I get up at 7. I need to stock the house with more diverse snacks. I grow weary of Cheerios. And string cheese.
***
Still trouble with the video? I just checked it and it worked but it seems google video is being glitchy or something so I beg for your patience.

Cold, go away please

2008-04-08T21:56:00.004-04:00

I'm a wuss when I get sick. This cold has transported itself from postnasal drip to serious cough to full blow head congestion/sinus explosion. I stayed home from work yesterday and left early today to moan about, watch tv, catch up on bloggy things and snuggle with Oscar. I think tomorrow will be a full day's effort at work, but I have wrapped up experiments and will just work on starting a manuscript. Oh, how tempting it will be to surf the web as I sit at my desk, keeping up with all of you, but I vow not to do it at work. I vow to work hardish for these last how many ever days remain until mat leave. I just really do prefer bench work to writing (an affliction many scientists share) but physically, I just cannot do it anymore. So, I will do my best to focus on writing and getting a great start on this paper.
A big thanks to everyone who left such thoughtful and insightful comments after my last post. It means all the world to me that so many of you took the time to write so much. And I think you are all correct. And mainly that it would be great if we can all have the birth experience we want but that in the end, the health of mum and baby are most important.
I have been getting at least one call every day for the past week or so, just family and friends checking in to see what is up. Not much. My voice sounds horrible from this cold so everyone thinks I'm sleeping all the time and they are waking me up with their phone calls. Nope, just got a frog in my throat. Ribbit.
I took a 3 minute video tour of our baby's room--it's narrated by said frog-throat. Anyway if you are interested in watching it, there is a link on the sidebar.
Update: the damn video (google video is pissing me off) isn't working. I'm going to leave the link alive just in case it should magically come back on its own. In the meantime, I am trying to upload to YouTube. Please stand by while I deal with these technical difficulties.
Later update: It seems to be working at google video at the moment. Hurry. I'm going to abandon the YouTube upload or I won't get any sleep tonight waiting for it.

38 weeks and a cold and thoughts on birth

2008-04-03T21:55:00.003-04:00

A bug has found me. And I find myself looking at my belly and instructing the current occupant to hold on tight until mommy feels well enough to push her out. It sounds like many of you are dealing with nasty colds right now and to be honest, I don't think I'm all that bad off, just postnasal drip and the associated sore throat, congestion, etc.
Nothing new is happening physiologically. Occasional Braxton Hicks, sometimes strong enough that the only comfort I can find is hanging out on my hands and knees. That's totally normal, right? I have asked the midwives to leave my cervix alone and I've seen nothing of a plug. I have faith that labor will eventually start regardless of whether we know the status of dilation and effacement. I am able to express colostrum which is pretty cool and also brings on contractions. I heart Oxytocin!
Aurelia had a recent post about her birth plan which reminded me of my own list of somewhat specific expectations and preferences. I'm shooting for natural vaginal childbirth. I don't talk about it too much because of some individuals' responses and also probably because if I don't succeed with that plan, people will be all, "I told you so", etc. I'm sort of tired of people treating me like I'm a naive child for wanting this. I understand childbirth is painful. I also know that labor can be unpredictable, terribly long and you know, painful. So in the end, I may end up needing pain relief and I can accept that. But for someone (a male someone) to say to me, "Get the epidural the moment you arrive at the hospital." Well, it's my choice, yo. And I am committed to going natural. It helps that I have a few close friends who have been able to do this and have shared their experiences with me. Plus, I met someone last week who pushed out a 10lb 10oz baby...without any pain relief. I'm feeling so inspired.
***
It's now 2 days since I began writing the words above. Things are still quiet down below...the cold has progressed into my chest with a bit of a cough. Yuck.
Last night I watched "The Business of Being Born" (a video will start immediately if you open this link, just in case you are in a public place). Perhaps it's my current frame of mind colored by my expectations, desires, and beliefs, but this was one of the best documentaries I've ever watched. And you get to see about 5 babies being born naturally. And while the film definitely leans toward support of moms and natural childbirth at home, they also show the necessity of OB/GYNs and their interventions in cases of real fetal distress (in this film it is IUGR). Somewhere in the film, a practitioner says that moms should be able to have the birth experiences they want, which I also think is crucial. I am not here to push my agenda on others (although it kind of seems I am doing that, huh?), but I think many of us in this modern society are not exposed that much to the natural process of birth nor do we get adequate support for it when we desire natural childbirth. And since our exposure is generally limited to what we see from Hollywood (screaming women in the lithotomy position) who can really blame us for wanting pain relief before it even starts?
I have a feeling this post could open up a big can o' worms which kind of scares me, but I'd be interested to hear what others think on this topic.
One more point the film makes. Despite all these interventions that are performed in the US, a country with the most medicalized birth experiences, we rank very high compared to other industrialized countries (who have more homebirths and midwife attended births) in maternal and newborn morbidity and mortality.
So if you've seen the movie please let me know what you thought of it. If you haven't seen it, I cannot recommend it enough for anyone who has had a baby, is having a baby or wants to have a baby. If you are a netflix member it is a movie that can be streamed directly from their website, otherwise it is available to rent on DVD.
A word about homebirths...as I've told people during the pregnancy that I am seeing a midwife practice, reactions have been mixed. People usually want to know if I am planning to birth at home. I'm not. I usually say to lighten the atmosphere, "I don't want to clean up that mess!!" But I also know that things can go wrong and it's just fine in my mind to have Doctors and ORs on the other side of that door in case they are needed. On the other hand, I plan to labor at home as long as I can to try and prevent unnecessary and unwanted interventions. Once a laboring woman is admitted, she is on a clock and if progress isn't made in a certain amount of time, the interventions are inevitably recommended, begun, leading to further intervention. And the first stage of labor can be L...O....N....G, so laboring at home seems like the logical thing to do. But homebirth isn't for me, at least not this time. I am intrigued by it, to be sure, but not going there for now. OK, I'm pushing publish now and waiting for the onslaught...

Walking is tricky; worlds are about to be rocked

2008-03-20T16:02:00.008-04:00

I've almost fallen down twice today. Once on the way from the car park to my place of work. Then later while standing at my bench in the lab. Both times involved rolling my left ankle. Didn't hurt a bit either time but scared me. Did I mention I had a fall earlier this year? In January I fell while going up some stairs. I landed on my hands and knees on the cement all because I didn't pick my toe up quite high enough and got caught up on the top step. Sometimes I feel this baby will be safer when she escapes from my clumsy body. Most of the time (when I'm sitting around) I think the baby is safest right where she is.
Today is 36 weeks. It's all gone so fast since the end of the first trimester I can hardly believe it. Last night my husband whispered to me that he wishes she would get here already, he's tired of waiting. It was such a sweet moment and in stark contrast to the sullen teen behavior I observed earlier in the evening at our infant care class. On the other hand, as soon as we came home from class, he was on the computer, playing Team Fortress 2 with online buddies--for a couple of hours. I think he's stocking up on game playing fun times in preparation for the imminent demise of his first-person-shooter and/or WoW lifestyle. I think we both know that life is about to change drastically but I don't think you really know-know until your waist deep in it. So I am trying to appreciate every day that I can run errands willy-nilly after work, walking back and forth across the expanse of Target multiple times without worrying that someone needs to be fed or diapered, meeting a friend for dinner whenever I feel like it, knitting to my heart's content, snuggling with the cat, taking a long shower or bath, and many other things that will require significant planning around nap times, feeding times, or husband being at home times in definitely less than 6 weeks, hopefully closer to 4. And while I try to savor these last moments of freedom, I, too, impatiently look forward to meeting our child.
And he whose world is about to be rocked most of all?

Infant care class

2008-03-13T07:15:00.002-04:00

We had our first infant care class last night. Other than the fact that I had to ask my husband several times to stop slamming around our fake baby, the class went well. One of the first activities was watching a video about the newborn at the hospital. The first scenes showed us newborn babies right after delivery being placed on their moms' tummies. I totally cried. So did at least 2 other women in the class. This also happened to me during breastfeeding class when they showed us a video of how to get the newborn to latch. Emotions are running high, but I think the crying is just joy flowing out my eyes. I certainly don't feel sad when I see these videos--it's some kind of tears of overwhelming emotion, one that I can't entirely put my finger on...

A meme...

2008-03-12T17:54:00.002-04:00

OK so I wasn't tagged to do this meme. And I'm not sure I've ever done a meme before but I saw this at Healing Arts and decided it would be fun to do since I'm killing some time before kicking off from work.
Artblog says, "The rules are, you look up from the computer, look around the room where you’re sitting and pick up the closest book. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences."
My book? Why it's the Guide to Protein Purification of course!

Especially useful for determination of virus titer is the end-point dilution technique using microtiter well plates (10 ul/well from Nunc). Ten replicate infections with diluted virus are monitored for cytopathic effects. Methods for calculating the titer are described by Summers and Smith.

What? I guess the author is talking about using viruses to introduce DNA into mammalian cells so that they will express a protein of interest that can later be purified for downstream uses. Guess what. This is extremely important in ART (assisted reproductive technologies) and treatment of any disease that requires recombinant protein technology. Yay, Science!

2 posts in 2 days. This a freaking record for me, I am sure.

Everything is A-OK

2008-03-11T21:02:00.003-04:00

A big thanks to May for emailing me and giving me a gentle nudge back to the blog for an update. Bad things have been happening to good people IRL and I haven't been much in the mood for writing/reading. That said, I really want to get caught up before bloggy things are totally out of hand (I'm back to 330 posts to read. Yikes.) or the kid gets here and I'm drowning in diapers and lanolin.
I'm closing in on the 35 weeks down/35 days to go milestone. I guess I've had 2 midwife appointments since we last met here. Baby (still no name) was head down at both visits. I detect lots of movement, mostly wiggling these days, several times a day. I also detect her head firmly above my bladder which at times affects my waddle to the restroom.
I don't have any complaints to speak of...I really like being pregnant because for the most part I feel happy much of the time, and I feel healthy. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of trips to the bathroom, and occasional discomforts but nothing that makes me wish this were over already. My ankles appear extremely amusing by the end of the day-my left one always swells more than the right and depending on which socks I wear, the depth of the ankle ring varies quite widely. I tried taking pictures of them, but the camera just doesn't do them justice. The edema is mostly gone in the morning and then the cycle starts all over again. But I'm not experiencing any troubling symptoms and for that I am eternally grateful-to what or whom, I cannot say.
March is the month of preparatory classes for us. Breastfeeding class ended tonight and infant care starts tomorrow. We have a day-long childbirth class coming up in a couple of weeks. I have read 3 Bradley Natural Childbirth books, so I am feeling adequately prepared for labor. Of course that could all go out the window when labor actually starts, but I am flexible-I have preferences for how I'd like things to go, but I'm not going to sign a contract or beat myself up for changing my mind. We toured the birthing center at the hospital and I have the midwife service's phone number taped next to the phone on the wall. I suppose I should program it into my husband's cell as well...
Finally, my in laws and my friend J threw us a baby shower this weekend. It was absolutely lovely-wonderful food, activities, location and conversation. We took loads of pics at the shower, so I've included one with my husband. The poor guy-I'm absolutely crushing him.

Blogging from Behind

2008-02-09T13:27:00.000-05:00

This morning Google Reader told me that I had 330 new posts to read. Oh goodness, how did I ever get this far behind? I think it started shortly after Christmas when I returned from vacation and started a few new knitting projects and worked on nothing else much of the time. Recently, sitting up for hours at a time has become a problem, so I've been retiring in bed with books, trying to figure out how I'm going to push this baby out in a few months. I've also been working lots, trying to do our taxes, and paying way too much attention to the political whatnot occurring in the great ole USA these days.
Catching up? I am now down to 167 new posts that I hope to get to before the end of the day. The downside of reading >300 posts in one day--my commenting will be somewhat stunted. Several of you have been terribly kind to continue coming by here and commenting despite the paucity of posts and lack of thoughtful content. On which point of previous broken promises I am almost sure to fulfill any day now as the Michigan primary bullshit reached a peak at some point this week.
In other news, can't remember whether I posted about it but I do not have gestational diabetes, so I continue to drink juice and chocolate milk, but mostly water, let me assure you. However you might never be able to tell looking at the picture below that I don't subsist on a diet replete with simple carbohydrates...I asked my husband whether Photobooth was distorting my girth and he didn't really answer in any meaningful way, so I take it to mean that, indeed, those are the correct proportions and then I pray that is not all baby.

A box arrived this morning from Swaddlebees outlet containing many, many cloth diapers and inserts and can I say I am just so freaking excited about cloth diapering? Piled together like that, it looks like our baby's bum is going to be celebrating Christmas all year long, but really, getting a good deal was more important to me than getting white or perfectly pastel colored nappies. I quickly squirreled them away into the baby's room which is sort of beyond help right now and I will deal with prewashing them in the next few to several weeks.

I had the 30 wk midwife appointment yesterday. The baby was hanging out transverse which I'm totally cool with because I still have several weeks for her to get into position and I'm willing to try all sorts of crazy shit to get her bottom up, so we'll just see. For now, I am doing some exercises outlined in the Bradley method, but it's pretty hard for me to worry about since I feel her moving around and changing position quite often.
So that's the pregnancy update...I'm going to get cleaned up now and jump into those last 167 or so blog posts with clean hair and a scrubbed face. I hope you are all well!

28 weeks, GTT, and broken promises

2008-01-24T23:07:00.000-05:00

Hi, I am 28 weeks today. Things continue to go fine (woo-hoo) although having to pee desperately and also being a mighty "wind"bag plus the enormous uterus...let's just say that I have never experienced such elevated abdominal pressure--and believe me, I've had plenty of opportunities. I hear there is more to come. Frankly I can't wait. I am just waiting for the day I bend over at work to pick something up I've dropped on the floor and I rip ass and piss my pants at the same time. Should be hilarious.
I had the glucose tolerance test today. Can I just say that I love (I know, I must be crazy) the orange glucola! It's sort of like flattish orange crush. Delicious-and I'm not being sarcastic at all, seriously. I did kind of feel yucky after drinking it, light headache and mild nausea, but Baby performed dance party U.S.A., so it was totally worth it. I get the official results tomorrow, but my glucometer indicated a normal glucose reading 1 hour after ingestion of that sweet orange nectar-let's hope it's right!
I'm enclosing 2 pics this time. First, the lump and then the broken blood vessel on my nose (just trying to fulfill one of the topics I promised I'd talk about). When the spot originally showed up on my nose around Christmas, I just thought I was getting a zit, but it stayed flat and did not inflame, so I guess it's just a broken or dilated blood vessel. Meh, as long as it's not community acquired MRSA, I can live with it.
I'm flying (yikes) to WI this weekend to celebrate impending mommyhood with some of my best girlfriends. There is a catch, however, bathing suits are required. I wouldn't expect to see any of those shots here, unless they are taken in such extremely flattering light I suddenly appear to be a pregnant Angelina Jolie. Not bloody likely.
Finally, I do want to express my views on "The Fertility Diet" and the Michigan Democratic Primary Hijacking, but that will have to wait for another day, hopefully not a full week from now, but please don't be angry if it is.

27 w lump

2008-01-18T08:46:00.001-05:00

It's been far too long since
a) I've posted
b) I've posted anything meaningful
c) something else I'll not mention here
For the moment, I have to rush off to work, but thought I'd share a progress shot with you. FYI, my hair looks much cuter in person/from the front/when the top of my head is visible/etc. But who cares about that? You can see by my fridge in the background that this year's round of Christmas card photos are up. They will stay up until about Dec 10, '08 when the next batch arrives.
Look forward to a follow up about the DR show sometime this weekend as well as my hard feelings about the Michigan Primary, pitting edema, and the blood vessel that broke in the middle of my nose. TGIF!

today on the Diane Rehm show...

2008-01-14T09:03:00.000-05:00

"In the second hour... It's common knowledge that diet and exercise have profound effects on a person's health. A long-term study reveals how what women eat, how active they are, and other lifestyle choices can also affect their ability to get pregnant. The relationship between diet and fertility."
This part of the show will air at 11 am eastern. A podcast should also be available toward the end of the day. Will they get it right or will it be frustratingly, annoyingly all wrong?

Treacherous travels

2007-12-23T23:26:00.000-05:00

I mentioned we were heading to WI for the holidays. We departed Friday after work, drove 250 miles, and spent the night in Chicago. The drive was OK, sort of misty/rainy/nasty, but traffic wasn't bad at all and we made it in good time to Chicago. In the interest of full disclosure, I strongly encouraged my husband to pull over a few times and let me drive because he seemed to be swerving a lot within the lanes. He was tired from playing Team Fortress 2 the night before, getting to bed late and then getting up early to work. He basically ignored me every time I instructed him to pull over and let me drive. Stubborn.
The next morning (yesterday) we continued on the path (another 250 miles) to my parents'. Holy pea soup fog, Batman! Visibility was between .1 and .5 miles for nearly the entire trip. Luckily the last 10 miles of the drive were relatively clear, but at one point my husband (driving the lion's share) turned to me and mentioned that he felt like he'd been staring at a huge piece of white paper for several hours. Good times. [I was knitting (of course) and trying not to freak out. It's really better for everyone if I don't watch the road when I'm not driving. I'm a bit of a nervous wreck type of passenger. I blame being in the front passenger seat for each of 4(ish) car accidents I've witnessed first hand.] We made it without incident and were glad to be at our destination.
Today was the day of the big baby shower. I don't know if you have been watching the Weather Channel-if you haven't, let me bring you up to speed. There was just a major winter storm in the upper midwest, er, Wisconsin. We got about 10-12 inches of snow between about 5 pm last night and 10 am this morning. Delish. Oh, did I mention the wind was also blowing at 30-40 miles per hour? My parents live in this town, B, and the party was over in another town, L, about 15 miles away. The drive was quite interesting. Holy mega-shifty snow drifts, Batman! I was not driving, of course, since apparently no one in my family, including my husband, will allow a pregnant woman to drive, but instead was serving as lookout to inform the driver of the distance to and height of upcoming snow drifts. Good times. I am so thankful my parents live in the non-glaciated portion of WI, meaning that there are still plenty of hills and valleys. Most of the drive took place in valleys protected from the wind. Seemingly long parts of the drive, however, were in open, flat country. On one part of the road, one lane was completely closed with drifts that were as high as the roof of the 4WD SUV in which we were riding. POW!
The baby shower itself was absolutely lovely, although, as any sane person could imagine, sparsely attended. I was there, of course, and my mom (C) and two cousins (A and S) who worked together to organize it, my godmother (J, mother of A) and aunt (S, mother of S). Also, L, coworker of my mom and Aunt S celebrated with us. We had 2 drop-ins but the weather was so bad, they had to go right back home. So, 9, not so bad when you consider we were battling not only woefully wintry winter weather but also a Green Bay Packer game (WTF? my dad was so bummed/pissed when we got home) airing at the exact same time as well as a variety of familial Christmas celebrations. Regardless, we had an awesome time-as I opened the gifts, the attendees pulled questions out of a basket, asking me all about my/our parenting plans that varied from circumcision (no way, Jose) to public vs private schooling (public was good enough for us) and many questions in between. We also giggled over old stories, remembering crazy things we've done over the years, griped a bit about our life partners (insert favorite anecdote here) and shared lots of things we couldn't have whispered if we'd had a larger group of acquaintances. I insisted we leave one hour before nightfall to give us plenty of time to navigate the snow dunes all the way home. We arrived about 15 min before dark. Whew!*
Luckily the weather is supposed to improve before we return to MI on Christmas Day to celebrate the holiday with my in-laws. I don't think I could take too many more white-knuckle-navigating experiences.
I hope you all are having safe travels and had the sense to stay inside if you were in WI!! Also*
_____
*Some of you are probably wondering why we didn't cancel the shower. To be honest, this did occur to some members of the group (my mom, esp). However certain others (A, esp) strongly disagreed and who was I to take sides? I only insisted upon 4WD and driving very, very slowly. I also told everyone who called this morning to see if the shower was still on that if they didn't feel safe leaving the house that they absolutely shouldn't. I felt pretty darn good about that advice after experiencing the roads.

Here I am!

2007-12-21T16:34:00.001-05:00

So sorry. This is a terribly, horribly, insensitively LONG time to go without posting. Really, I assure you that nothing much is going on here. The pregnancy is going well-for which I am eternally grateful-and the last 4 weeks have passed without any drama, trauma, or points of note. I have been doing a LOT of knitting (several handmade Christmas gifts this year)-in fact a few mornings I went to work with hands that hurt due to all the knitting. Wowza. To keep myself entertained during the knitting and due to the fact of the WGA strike I have been watching excessive amounts of "24" (first 3 seasons so far), "Freaks and Geeks", Harry Potter movies, the quadruple-platinum-extended version of the LOTR trilogy (again), etc.
Hmm. I just heard my husband pull into the garage. We are leaving for WI very soon. So, I'll sign off here, just letting you know we are all doing well. I'm feeling lots of baby movement at different times of day, slowly expanding the midsection and just still so thankful to be here. Of course. The first baby shower is 2 short days away. The time seems to go more quickly every week. When we get back next week, I have a few days off during which I plan to work on the nursery. Paint chips galore!
Thanks to everyone who stopped by and left a comment after my last post. If any of you are still reading, I love you and thank you so much for all your kind words-you're simply the best.
Take care, y'all (can you believe Zoey 101 is preggers? do we really need more of these genes in the pool?)-I hope you have the happiest of holidays and if they kind of suck, I hope you snark it up with the best of them, cuz that's what I'd do. Let the eye-rolling begin!

The 20 week scan

2007-11-26T21:24:00.000-05:00

This morning I had the big 20 week scan. Everything looks pretty good. We got to see the baby's heart, aortic arch, ductal arch, stomach, kidneys, brain, etc. We also found out the baby's sex. More on that later.
Some funny things about the scan:
-I am 19w4d. The baby is measuring at 19w1d and at an estimated 11 oz is in the 62nd percentile. Um, ok. The tech said at this point the difference in my measurements and the estimated due date is really negligible. Sounds good.
-During the scan, the tech was jabbing my belly with the probe several times to try and get the baby to move into a more cooperative position, also using said probe, he seemed to be massaging the gas in my colon toward the out valve. I was pleading with the valve to please stay closed and not embarrass me in front of this kind technician. Finally he suggested I go to the bathroom and see if that would prompt the baby to move into a different position. I think he may have seen some of the gas bubbles on the screen and realized that I should go to the bathroom for the sake of all involved.
-Since the baby didn't want to cooperate, the tech grabbed a second wand and said that we'd get a different look at the baby while we waited for the correct positioning. He took the first picture with this wand and I said..."Hey, that's a 3D picture". I couldn't believe I was looking at my baby's face.
-After the technician told me the baby's sex, I said, "Are you sure?" A bit later I asked him about his education and where he has worked and for how many years he has been doing OB scans (15 years). At which point I felt confident that he might be right that we are going to have a GIRL!!!!
You can see photos from the ultrasound by clicking on the picture below (will take you to my picasa album):

Ultrasound IV

The things people say...

2007-11-09T21:40:00.000-05:00

There is this guy at work who I really like/admire/respect. He's said a couple of things since I got pregnant that have made me internally say "what the f*ck?"

The first thing was several weeks ago. I ran into him walking from the parking garage to the building where we work. At the time I had noticed that my nose seemed more congested much of the time. I didn't feel sick, I didn't think I had any sort of infection, just that my nose was stuffy. So I asked whether his wife had ever experienced nasal congestion during either of her 2 pregnancies. He said, no not really. Then he turned to me and very seriously told me never to take cold medicine while I'm pregnant because he had a friend who did so while pregnant and her baby was born with a hole in its heart. Yikes. I don't know whether this was patent foramen ovale or a ventricular septal defect but my goodness-it seemed a bit alarmist. First of all, I wasn't planning to take cold medicine, I was just asking if she was ever congested. Second of all, I'm not going to take anything unless I ask the Dr/midwife/nurse/pharmacist first so take it easy. Finally, how does anyone know that cold medicine caused the heart hole in that baby? Congenital heart defects are caused by many things (I'm being really specific here, yeah?).
BTW. I haven't taken anything other than Tylenol for the occasional whopper of a headache.
I don't think I would have posted about this at all except for the exchange that took place today, please read on:

Today I was using a computer that isn't at my own desk and is in the line of vision of the coworker above. This computer wasn't cooperating and the tower was down on the floor so I got down there on my knees to bang on the power button/find the big power switch/pull the cord so I could get the damn thing to restart. He rushed out of his office to see what was going on (it's handy to have computer savvy people around) and give me a hand. Then he said I shouldn't be squatting down on the floor like so because the umbilical cord could get wrapped around the baby's neck...[fill in the rest here from your creative imaginations]. I immediately said that the baby is flipping all around inside right now so it is unlikely that my squatting is going to have any serious effect on how much the cord wraps around the neck at this point. GeezOPete. Alarmist. Again.

My good friend P told me that I would be getting all sorts of assvice and that this was just the beginning. I think she might be right. I think going through IF and getting all the relax comments, have a bottle of wine and a fun shag comments, take a trip comments, etc were just preparation for the comments to come during pregnancy and while trying to raise the kid. All I can say is bring it-but you better have a thick skin because I can be a bitch. Peachy! Have a wonderful weekend 8)

17w and blogtavism

2007-11-08T21:56:00.000-05:00

Things are still going along well here. I hadn't really been noticing many changes in my body, cuz I guess when you live with your body every moment of every day, it's hard to see drastic things happen. Then one morning after a shower, I looked down at my navel and would you believe I could see right down to the bottom of it without any stretching or prodding of the skin around it? I could never figure out which crease in my navel was actually a scar from the laparoscopy and then wham-there it is. Clear as day.
****
Tonight I reconnected with a college roommate who is in the trenches (dealing with IF). It saddens me (understatement of the century) that so many wonderful couples are afflicted with this IF and pregnancy loss nightmare. I'm really hoping for a sea change in Washington next year and that we may finally be able to see some legislation passed that will require IF diagnosis and responsible treatment be included in all health insurance policies, instead of seeing that legislation tabled in committee for years. And years.
Here's our story:
We were lucky to have our diagnostic tests covered by insurance (my husband and I each have our own policies but we have the same employer and the same insurance plans). As far as everything else...we had a $15 copay for each consultation with the RE (same price as for my primary care doc, etc). The drugs were covered by insurance with a copay (injectable meds and other 'fertility' drugs were subject to a $5000 lifetime ceiling of coverage, and we made it about halfway to that ceiling with my injectable cycles). I found the language in my insurance coverage booklet to be extremely misleading as far as treatment was concerned. It led me to believe that no part of treatment would be covered whatsoever. At my clinic, I was required to pay the professional fee ($228/IUI) the same day I was inseminated. All of the ultrasounds for each cycle and the lab fees were billed to our insurance. Because my "certificate of coverage" stated that tests or procedures related to the conception of a child that doesn't occur in the marital bedroom/kitchen/shower/living room would not be covered, I walked with trepidation to the mailbox nearly every day for 3 or so months. Somehow, the way my clinic billed the ultrasounds and the lab work for the sperm prep, it didn't appear that I was undergoing IF treatment. I think I was afraid to mention this while I was going through it. I had some terrible fear that if I wrote down the words or said them out loud, the bill would show up the next day. And you better believe that I never called my insurance to ask, is this, that and this covered? I think a few months ago, I was able to log in to my insurance account and saw exactly what I was billed for and what the insurance covered. It put my mind at ease to know I wasn't going to find a stack of bills for ultrasounds and sperm washing in my mailbox one day after work. I don't know how it would have worked with IVF. I thank my lucky stars I didn't have to find out.
The surgery that diagnosed my endometriosis was also totally covered by my insurance. Although, I couldn't have the surgery because I was struggling with infertility....no, I had to have the surgery because my chief complaints were symptoms of dysmenorrhea and dyspaurenia (painful periods-any more than anyone else?- and painful intercourse-um, not really). You know, otherwise insurance wouldn't cover the surgery. Despite having lackluster endo symptoms, I had a large 5cm lesion and another smaller .5 cm lesion of endo.
The first cycle after the surgery failed and I was sure we were on a course to a few more injectable/IUI cycles before proceeding to IVF. We went through our finances, reallocated the money we would have put toward retirement this and next year into an IVF fund (this was just within our banking spreadsheet). That might have gotten us one round of IVF. After that we probably would have charged it, balance transfer to lower rate, etc. We were very lucky to get pregnant on the second cycle after my surgery for painful periods and painful intercourse. Or, infertility, as the case may be.

Starbucks Oracle

2007-11-06T15:19:00.000-05:00

I saw this link over at The Island.

My order: Decaf Grande Mocha

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: Freak

No person of sound mind would go to an EXPENSIVE COFFEE SHOP to get a drink WITHOUT CAFFEINE. Your hobbies include going to ski resorts in the summer and flushing $5 bills down the toilet. You are a menace to society.

Also drinks: Non-alcoholic beer
Can also be found at: Pools with no water

+++

I'm currently not drinking any beer, thank you very much and it's too damn cold to go to any pools and I'm TOO CHEAP to purchase a fitness membership.

Despite the preposterousness of these suggestions, the oracle's predictions made me laugh out loud. I am definitely a menace to society.

lingerie apathy and those stinkin' buckeyes

2007-11-04T17:40:00.000-05:00

I ran off to the mall yesterday after posting about my big mac conundrum. I walked around the lingerie department looking at the merchandise in a daze. I wasn't feeling the bra love yesterday so I moved on and spent my money on pants with elastic waistbands and a red top that should work well for the holiday season. Then I moved on to a book store where I picked up a couple of novels in spite of the stack of unread books collecting dust on my bedside table. In addition I picked up the latest copy of Vogue Knitting:
I love (love!) the jacket pictured on the cover and since I've never made anything for myself I thought what the hell. So today, I spent some time locating the yarn used to make this lovely jacket. Would you believe that it costs around $60 per skein and that 12ish skeins are required? Ha. Ha-Ha. Who spends that kind of money on yarn? Do you??? (BTW, congratulations to anyone who can afford to spend that kind of money on yarn, you must be have a terrific financial portfolio!) This yarn is 100% cashmere (of course), so needless to say I'll be substituting with some kind of blend or less precious fiber. Unless I hit the lottery. Oh, wait a sec, I don't play the lottery. Oh well.
Isn't it pretty though? It's something I won't be likely to start for several years so maybe I should start a special account for unbelievably, nay, ridiculously expensive yarn.
I guess Vogue Knitting is pretty much like regular Vogue-i.e., priced way beyond my reality. Also, several of the other knitted garments appear to be Bjork/Carrie Bradshaw inspired-just like the 'regular' Vogue clothes. And to think I was considering a subscription. tee-hee.
After my trip to the mall, I came home to find out the Buckeyes ended up creaming the Badgers in the end. Boo.

16w+

2007-11-03T14:11:00.000-04:00

I had a midwife appointment yesterday. In describing to my friend Jen, I called it short and sweet and to the point. She examined my abdomen, declared me to be carrying high and in the middle (within normal limits) and heard the heartbeat (running in the 150s). She measured the fundal height with a tape measure-I'm measuring right at my navel. Earlier in the week, I was concerned that my uterus wasn't growing and then a few days before my appointment I "discovered" this hard lump in the area right below my belly button and thought, Duh, that's not your bowels, silly.
My belly is now poking out further than my boobs which my husband loves to point out every morning when I walk into the kitchen. Speaking of boobs, it may be time to buy some new bras soon. I purchased some lovely Wacoal bras at the beginning of the year when I was an aspiring C. I'm now a full on, overflowing C and the underwires and cups are no longer lovingly supporting my mamms. They are now cutting into my sides and underneath, so I predict a trip to Macy's lingerie section very soon. Is it too early for me to get nursing bras? Today I'm wearing a Fruit of the Loom sports bra which is very comfortable, so I may avoid underwire altogether. What works for you? I love the Wacoal brand, but my boobs have a peculiar shape (I call them Big Macs) and it's difficult to find a bra that fits just right. Anyone else out there with Big Macs? What do you go for?

****

One other thing. The UW Badgers are currently ahead of the number 1 ranked OSU Buckeyes. I never thought I'd get to say those words in the current football season. So while the words are still true, GO BADGERS!!!!!! Please win. Please smoosh the Buckeyes!

this is so good, it's worth posting twice**updated

2007-10-30T10:09:00.001-04:00

NBC attacked this hilarious clip on YouTube. Ah copyright. In any case, try watching it here before NBC finds out!!!

glumbert - Jim Gaffigan loves bacon

Clarify

2007-10-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

I think I wasn't clear on the photo below. If you click the pic, it will redirect you to the picasa album where there are several photos of Cletus and one of moi!

***

Things are still going fine. Except that I had intercostal chest pain again on Saturday night. It was so very bad, but I'm so glad I've experienced it before. At first I thought I had heartburn (following a healthy sized Qdoba dinner) but Tums did nothing for the pain, and then I remembered back to the last time and instead took a couple tylenol. Oh but holy hell was I in pain-and it was directly over my heart behind the center of my left breast. It hurt to breathe in. It hurt to breathe out. I had to sleep with my upper body propped on pillows and my left arm wrapped up behind my head. It was awesome. I had to talk myself out of a trip to to ER about 5 times and kept whimper-shouting to my husband in the other room that I was in pain, dammit. Since he is a physician he asked me questions to rule out anything super-nefarious, but I still warned him to keep an eye on me-what if it's a pulmonary embolism? pericarditis? a knife in my chest? When I woke up on Sunday morning, the pain was mostly gone although I could resurrect it if I twisted my upper body-which I did only once. The pain is totally gone now, thank goodness, so that I am able to fully throw myself into the new workweek! Hurray! Have a great one 8)

FTS

2007-10-08T19:41:00.000-04:00

Ultrasound III

We had the first trimester screen today. The blood test results will come back in a week, but I was told that the NT scan portion looks totally normal.
Despite hearing the heartbeat on Friday, I still had a few pangs of anxiety today and was so relieved to see our little one, heart beating and wiggling around in there. The fetus wasn't moving too much which my husband and I attributed to our own abilities to be complete sitter-arounders. So perhaps we have a future knitter or WoWer in there, or my hamburger and barley/mushroom soup and chocolate milk lunch didn't do anything for little Cletus.
There is a photo of me in the slide show from the wedding on Saturday. I was pushing my gut out as far as possible and cutting an impressive profile at only 12w, dontcha think?

12w1d

2007-10-05T20:46:00.000-04:00

We had our first meeting with the midwife today. Tears filled my eyes when she found the heartbeat. We listened to it pumping away for nearly a minute. It was music to my ears. I'm sort of still stunned and amazed that we're here at all although not nearly as stunned as I was 8 weeks ago. This is happening, it's really happening.

***

Tomorrow we're attending a wedding. I bought a new dress, not maternity, but empire waisted-in the changing room at BR, I popped my gut out as far as possible and I looked about 6 months preggo. Hilarious! Won't people be surprised when they find out I'm only 12 weeks?!? Tee-hee.

***

Stop by on Monday-I may have new pictures of Cletus (the fetus (I wish I could say I came up with that, but alas, I heard it from another)). I'm scheduled for a first trimester screen-nuchal scan, etc. I don't know if they'll let me keep pics, but I'll give my husband the digital camera and put him to work just in case.

Newsflash: Infertility is "really hard"

2007-10-03T22:55:00.000-04:00

On Sunday we went to a bbq at my SIL's house. They had 3 other couples over all of them have at least one kid. At some point as all of us were sitting around the picnic table I said something that alluded to our pregnancy. Everyone was handing out congratulations and starting to dish out stories. My husband was sitting across the table and I heard him respond to a question, "No, more like 24." I didn't hear what prompted him to say that, but I knew exactly what it was: Was this your first try? I caught his eyes across the table and said, "Try more like 30." The woman he was chatting with, who has 2 lovely children asked, "How was that?" and my IF filters understood that she was asking why. So I said that I have endometriosis. As I was saying the words, she interjected, not the reason why but HOW was it to wait so long. And with grand eloquence, I said, "It was really hard." And that was it. And the conversation turned to more stories: we were advised not to be surprised if the baby comes out not looking like either one of us, and so on. It was really quite a pleasant evening. Later I reflected on my response to the question how was that? And I think that with people who had no idea we were even trying, it's almost like they have an innocence to what we've been through. And with these new people, I am totally ok with just saying it was really hard and leaving it at that. They don't need to hear our sob stories. I've got plenty of friends who've been there with me through thick and thin and know all the details, those of you who have read about it here, those of you who have comforted me while I cried in your kitchen, and others who have counseled me over the phone. And I'm ever so grateful to you all-you've made this journey bearable, have helped me hang on when I only wanted to give up, and have helped take my mind off things when the going got tough. Anyway, I'm not really sure what the point of this all is...I've often been an open floodgate to anyone and everyone who asks me about infertility, almost like I should be wearing a "WARNING" sign wherever I go...but now, I feel I've adjusted. I haven't forgotten, but I just want to be happy for this moment and live in this moment and love the life growing inside me. I want to put the pain in a pretty shiny box on the mantle where it can remind me of what we went through to get to this place, certainly not an ugly box because that would make me feel bad. And infertility was "really hard" enough anyway and unless something goes horribly awry I'm planning on some joy around this place. And ugly boxes do not spell j-o-y.

11 weeks + change

2007-10-02T07:55:00.000-04:00

Things here are still going well as far as I know. Regardless of the food poisoning on Saturday that kept me within a 6 foot radius of the toilet or the fact that my husband has a shingles outbreak which has significantly curtailed our snuggle time in the past 1.5 weeks, I would say things are going just fine. Holding your breath for 5.5 weeks is no easy task (my face is so blue!) but my midwife appointment is finally this Friday and I am hanging on to hear that heartbeat again. I've still had no spotting or bleeding or any rational reason to worry.

Despite the fact that I've been wearing maternity pants for WEEKS now-elastic waistbands are a joy-my bump remains firmly inside and the only thing I'm showing is my gut that I'm far too lazy to suck in anymore. Just let it all hang out!

Nearly everyone in our lives now knows. I didn't really try to hide the news from anyone. After we saw the first heartbeat, my mom rented a plane and put skywriters back in business all over southwest Wisconsin. I'm kidding here of course, but she spread the word, throwing caution to the wind. She and several others in my family are convinced that our problems lay in getting pregnant so I should have no trouble staying pregnant. I hope to whatever that they are right. Honestly, I can't help but be overcome now and again by a little fear foe saying you might not have a viable pregnancy, but I don't let it get me down. I don't react to thoughts of that happening to me with deep sadness, it's only a stab of fear and then it's gone. I try to prepare myself for the possibility but I don't think there is any preparing for something one has never personally experienced.

Anyway. Back to happy thoughts. I have been examining my lower belly several times per day and I think I feel a fundus among us. My husband just examined my abdomen and he also feels it. My ute felt quite irritated today despite giving it an open face roast beef sandwich, mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch. Or maybe because of it? It's quite calm at the moment but I love it when it perks up, letting me know it's there and doing something (stretching, I'd guess)-it's such a low level of discomfort and so reassuring I look forward to it every day although I can't discern any pattern of activity.

My diet is all over the place. I mentioned my comfort food filled lunch, right, well, for dinner tonight I had a bowl of fresh mango. Then a few hours later I had a granny smith apple dipped in vanilla yogurt with cinnamon for a prebedtime snack. Fruit is so delicious right now. So, what else... Yesterday I had a bowl of pho for lunch that was about as big as my head. Then last night I had a bowl of mango (of course) and later an entire Trader Joe's veggie pizza. Hey, piggie. I don't feel much like cooking (I mean real cooking here, not just popping a pizza in the oven) but still manage to do so about once every 10 days. I made a lasagna a few weeks ago and chicken chili last week. The smell of raw meat is revolting, the smell of cooking said meat and other ingredients is worse, and I feel like I've done a 15 mile training run by the time I get the dishes washed which leads me to purchase ready made frozen items from the aforementioned Trader Joe's. I actually don't mind it at all, and really think I'm getting off quite easily and terribly lucky to have the TJ option in my own town and also to have enough of an income to make that a viable option. All around I'm feeling pretty damn lucky and just hoping that luck continues and makes its way to so many of you.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman

2007-09-18T07:17:00.000-04:00

I loved this novel so much that I read it twice a few weeks apart. I particularly enjoyed the way it is written (with carefully placed flashbacks) as well as the story (suffering and redemption for several of the characters). I am running a bit short on time this morning, so I won't go into a whole huge critical analysis of the book (as if I even could), so here are the questions that provoked me and my answers to them:

Throughout the book my feelings towards Emilia were conflicted. If you felt that way too, why did you also feel that way?

First and most obviously I felt great sympathy for Emilia. Before I cracked the book I knew the bottom line: her newborn died. This evoked great sympathy from me. In the first scenes of the book we are shown how she is shunned by other mothers at the Y, which also evoked sympathy and even empathy from me. As the story wore on, I began to see this character's faults as well as her irrational behaviors. When she could not make the promise to William about the filming of Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile because of her fear of how Carolyn might react I found myself angry with how she dealt with that situation. First she didn't explain carefully to this precocious young man how or why it might be difficult to get him to the filming, and then after he insisted upon going home, she dragged him to to visit another part of the park, where he fell into the Meer. The whole situation was totally avoidable, but Emilia had to do what she wanted to do. Later, after the explanation that Emilia was certain she suffocated and killed Isabel, I again felt great sympathy toward her. Even still, I did not think that her certainty of causing her daughter's death gave her free reign to treat her mother and father so badly and to behave the way she did at the Walk to Remember. She seemed so consumed with herself that she could not even begin to empathize or even respect what others have gone through. Having never had this loss, I suppose it is easy for me to judge her behavior and condemn her actions as sometimes selfish, but I think no matter what one goes through, we still need to be respectful of one another and this was something that was definitely a challenge for Emilia and one of the main reasons my feelings toward her were conflicted.

There seems to be a natural urge to rank our pain against that of others. Emilia separates herself from Mindy (p65) by saying, rather graphically, that a miscarriage loss is nothing compared to baby loss. Later at the Walk To Remember (p256), Emilia again feels disgusted to find that a woman has named her miscarried children. How did this strike you in light of your own situation? Do you (consciously or subconsciously) rank the pains of (a) not being able to conceive; (b) not being able to carry a baby to term; and (c) the death of a baby/child? Did you choose your own pain as the worst?

I strongly fight the urge to compare pain of different circumstances between different people. I think that we can only know our own pain and can only compare things that have happened to ourselves. The worst thing one has ever had to deal with is most likely the worst emotional pain that person has ever felt. In addition, some people deal with loss and hardship much differently than others. Since I don't rank pain I can't choose my own pain as worse or less bad than someone else's. Thus far, not being able to conceive has caused me plenty of misery. I think that miscarriage or the death of the baby/child would cause progressively worse levels of misery for myself, but I would still never compare my pain in either situation to that of another.

Emilia states her belief on page 332 that those who are powerless in the face of fate are also blameless. Do you agree with this belief—that if something is destined to happen and it does, that you are blameless for its damage?

I don't think I agree with this statement. I think, as adults, we can no longer be blameless for the things we say and do in response to the hardships we endure. We do not live in bubbles. Our actions (reactions to fate) and our words (responses to fate) carry great weight at times and have power to do harm beyond that which fate has dealt to us. I'm not saying that we can't rage and wail against our circumstances, but I strongly feel that there is a time and place for everything. I know it's really hard at times, when we observe others' behavior and actions that would seem to contradict this idea-in the book, we get Emilia's observations of Carolyn's actions-Emilia breaking up Carolyn-Jack-William as a family is something Carolyn may feel powerless against and that she feels her behavior may be beyond reproach since her family was split up by this woman, but we see the effects on William as he sees Carolyn spitting in Emilia's face "Stay away from my son". We are always setting an example for each other and for the next generations and they will see how we react to curve balls life throws at us. I'm not at all saying that we need to suppress or repress our feelings but that we need to be cognizant of how our reaction to life might affect others beyond ourselves.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston (with author participation!).

9 weeks and an emergency trip to the vet

2007-09-14T07:02:00.000-04:00

Yesterday marked 9 weeks and in the absence of data to the contrary I am obliviously assuming everything is going ok with the pregnancy. The nausea has been much less severe (or maybe I learned how to deal with it?) since Tuesday. I'm of course hoping that is my natural progression and not a sign of anything more sinister.

Last night around 9 pm, my husband and I were sitting around, shooting the breeze, and Oscar walked by, flashing his ass at us, as cats are wont to do. Something was not right with that rear. Upon closer inspection, it looked as though he'd pulled out some hair and that he might have an infected anal gland. Oscar had this problem a few years back, so I called the local animal hospital and they urged me to bring him in just in case it was going to abscess. So I begrudgingly took him to the vet.

When I pulled up in the lot, I could see the vet tech bringing a dog out to do his business and I thought to myself, oh crap here we go. I took Oscar (in his carrier of course) into the hospital and put him on the counter, hoping he wouldn't see the dog walking back through. I probably should have just waited in the car. Oh well, I didn't. The tech came back in with the dog who was whining/yipping up at Oscar who immediately started spitting and growling and bouncing around in his little cage. Hurray. Have you ever seen a cat with all his fur sticking out crammed into a cat taxi? Hilarious. The poor cat freaking hates going to the vet as it is, especially when they get to squeezing around his bumhole. Oh well, some things can't be avoided I guess.

I filled out some paperwork, listened to Oscar growl some more and entered the exam room. The Doc came in and we wrangled Oscar out of the cage. Did I mention he's not good with strangers in a strange place (he is a cat after all)? He was still growling and occasionally hissing at this point. The Doc suggested getting a towel to put over him while she examined him. Good idea! She came back with a towel threw it over the cat (he loved this!) and I tried to hold him down while she attempted to look at his backside. Man, but that cat was strong! He writhed under the towel, broke free and bit me on the arm. Hard. Broke my skin. The vet ran out for some soapy gauze so that I could wash the wound and then we regrouped. I mentioned casually that I am pregnant. She assured me that we will be fine as long as I don't come into contact with cat feces. This was not news. She went back out for a large, thick comforter. While she was gone, Oscar let me pet him and pick him up to hold and caress him and whisper "why would you hurt your mommy?" in his little cat ears. He was an angel cat while we were alone in the room but I decided it would not be wise to be holding so close to my general head/body region when she came back, so I put him down.

After she returned with the large thick comforter, we spent several minutes chasing Oscar around the room, in the manner you would expect to see if you were watching The Three Stooges. After repeated attempts we finally got him under the comforter, appropriately held down-I had one hand up around his neck to keep him from biting me through the blanket and the rest of me was leaning on his body, and I assure you all this was done carefully so as not to crush or kill him. And he was still writhing and trying to push me off. He was so strong and I nervously laughed every time he tried to throw me off him. I was worried what would happen next-would he bite the vet? She examined the area for about a minute, squeezed his glands, and determined there was not an infected anal gland. Just then Oscar broke free from the comforter. He stood on the table hissing and spitting and waving an ineffectual front paw at us (he is declawed in front, thank goodness at this point, right?). So it was over at that point. He only has an abrasion where he either licked or bit off his hair and if there was an infected anal gland he resolved it himself. Super. The Doc left and the tech came back with some cream for the hairless area, I paid the bill and came home. I informed my husband that the next trip to the vet would be his and his alone. But we all know that's probably not going to be true. Right, hon?

8w tomorrow

2007-09-05T21:03:00.000-04:00

I added a poll to the blog. I'll keep it up there for a week or so. I'm just trying to get an idea of whether I should fight the nausea. For the past few days, but not every day I wake up a bit yucky in the gut. Feels like an unsettled stomach that accompanies a bad hangover (no, I haven't been drinking). I have something to eat, take a shower, get back into bed, lie on my left side until I feel the worst of the nausea ebb away. Then I get ready for work, arrive at work, sit at my desk for a while, my boss comes in and asks how I'm doing (he knows), I say I feel disgusting and that I'm waiting for it to pass as I nibble on crackers and sip water. Then, around 10 or 11, I perk up and start thinking about lunch. Sometimes I manage to get some work done too. Anyway, the entire time, I feel as though I'm fighting the nausea, willing myself to NOT PUKE. Since, as you can probably relate, I hate vomiting. Is it worth it? Would I feel better if I just let er rip? It's interesting really. I'm damn lucky the symptoms are so light-the middle of the day is just fine, I totally get loads of stuff done at work. Evenings, again, not so much, but oh well, beggars can't be choosers. So, if you've had the experience, please answer the highly (un)scientific poll above or, better yet, post a comment and tell me a story filled with vomiting intrigue.

I have a phone appt in 3 weeks and my first midwife appt 4 weeks from Friday. No more early scans, unfortunately. Since I can't see what is happening inside of me, I have taken to checking out this website several times per day.

****

A comforting cyber hug of support to Sara S.P. who has experienced heartbreak today.

6w5d

2007-08-28T20:09:00.000-04:00

Hi, I had the second ultrasound today. Everything went well-we are measuring exactly on time, corresponding to my ovulation date, and the heart rate has increased to 134 bpm. They graduated me from the clinic to regular OB care and I must say, I'll miss the weekly scans.
I am amazed that the embryo is more than 3X as big this week compared to last week. They grow up so fast, sniff.
Here are the photos from today's u/s. Thanks again for all your well wishes, congratulations, positive thoughts and vibes.

Hungry much?

2007-08-27T18:50:00.000-04:00

There was a catered lunchtime lecture today I was supposed to attend. I was stuck at the bench working on an experiment. Luckily I packed a lunch this morning and had my leftover pad thai around 12:30 and a plum for dessert. A few hours later, I went to refill my nalgene from the water cooler and the administrator let me know there were left over sandwiches from the lecture. I assessed the situation and thought...I could use a sandwich right about now. So I grabbed a lettuce, tomato, sprouts and onion sandwich (and a cookie) and went back to my desk for lunch, part 2.

One of my labmates walked by and did a double-take: "Jackie, didn't you already eat lunch?"

".....ummmm, yes, but I haven't had any vegetables yet today, so I thought I'd have this vegetable sandwich."

He replied, "Oh, so it's really more of a snack."

"Ummm, yes, that's right," I confirmed as I eyed the cookie. Then I ate that too.

---------

Ultrasound #2 is tomorrow.
Look for a post by evening (eastern daylight time-USA).

One

2007-08-21T17:45:00.000-04:00

So sorry for the delay in posting! We have a single sac measuring 5w, 5d with a tiny embryo that was too small for the ultrasound software to interpret its gestational age. We also saw a heartbeat at ~96 bpm. I tried to embed a slide show of the photos below, I hope it works--if you click on the slide show you can go to the album in picasa and read the captions! I'm going back in another week for a follow-up scan, hopefully we'll see a slightly larger embryo and a faster heartbeat. The U/S technician reassured us that everything we saw was just perfect for today and that we should be able to get some firm data on embryo dating in 7 short days!

Thanks & more

2007-08-19T20:07:00.000-04:00

Hi, all. I owe a great many thanks to so many of you who stopped by and gave your condolences in regards to my grandmother's passing. It means so much to me, more than you can know that all of your thoughts and prayers were with us as we said goodbye.
The funeral was an apt and moving reflection of the woman my grandmother was when she was at her best. She looked so beautiful in her blue suit and we all felt that the funeral was exactly what she would have wanted. And of course what she has wanted most since Dec 24, 1995: to be at rest with my grandfather.

-------

One thing that was difficult when I was home: lying to my family (my parents know but no siblings or extended family on my side), especially my godmother. Everyone knows of our challenges and the surgery and asked how things were going. I said nothing yet, but we're still hopeful. Luckily, no one called me on it when I turned down drinks and when I complained of a "sore foot" to limit my exertions on the tennis court. My godmother, who also happens to be a registered dietitian is concerned that I have insulin resistance and mild PCOS and that is why I'm not getting pregnant. She was advising me to take metformin. I allowed this conversation to continue and also brought back a glucometer and told her I would keep track of my fasting and postprandial blood sugars and have my RE take a long, hard look at my ovaries. And we would see if I have PCOS. My mom was amazed by my proficiency at dishonesty. To tell the truth, I was as well. But every lie was easier than the one before. Hopefully, I'll be able to tell them all quite soon--maybe even after we see a heartbeat. My mom is going a little nuts keeping the secret between her and dad, but she's terrified she'll jinx it if she spills the beans. Honestly, everyone around me is getting so superstitious. Last week, I made myself eggs for breakfast. One of them had 2 yolks and my husband gasps-"maybe you're pregnant with twins!" Honestly? I just grabbed a big egg, thinking it was going to have more eggy goodness inside.

-------

I believe that things are going well so far, pregnancy-wise. Today, I am 5 wks, 3 days. My ultrasound is only 2 days away and you can bet I'm going a little nuts with anticipation. I have been doing daily countdowns since about Thursday, where I rattle off each day on my fingers "Friday-Saturday-Sunday-Monday-Tuesday-5 days!"

I have reached the upper limit of sensitivity on my pee-sticks, so I can no longer monitor the relative beta doubling with the extreme imprecision of the home pregnancy test. Oh well. I take great comfort in the fact that my ever expanding bustline makes it painful to sleep on my side. So far, though, I have actually lost a couple of pounds, thanks in part to my walking routine nearly every morning for the past 2 weeks and despite my voracious appetite and quick remedying of even the slightest of hunger pangs.

New symptom: constipation. That didn't take long. I've started dosing 2X per day metamucil and it's helping beautifully, sort of. I'm guessing those things are going much better than it would be if I weren't taking it. Ever since the horrific pregnancy and birthing stories of my mother, her mother and her sisters, I have lived in fear of one thing: hemorrhoids. I will take every step possible to avoid this affliction and right now, that means metamucil, original flavor, morning and evening.

I have also been using this new symptom to explain any sign of abdominal discomfort. Initially I was terrified about a potential ectopic and pains in my pelvis and abdomen sent me into a scare about losing a tube. Each day that goes by, an ectopic seems a bit less likely, but I still get these wacky bilateral pains (nothing serious, just semi-alarming, having never been pregnant before, not knowing what is 'normal') in my lower abdomen and pelvis that I either attribute to humongously expanding corpora lutea, exploding follicular cysts, or constipation. I asked my husband to buy an ultrasound machine (they still have them at eBay) but still, no luck. Only 2 days until the scan, so I guess I can wait. Like I said, the discomfort isn't all that bad, just alarming.

This week, I remembered that I had a medical embryology book kicking around from the days of gross anatomy. My husband cautioned me against the contents, reminding me that the pages would doubtlessly document many, many ways that embryonic development can go terribly awry. Did I listen to him? Of course not. I found the book yesterday and immediately started paging through, reminding myself of the notochord and somites and neural tube and primordial germ cells, and suddenly came upon something horrifying*. I closed the book, gasping, and behind me I hear, "I told you not to look in that book." Thanks, darling. So for now, I am keeping myself to the first few pages of the book that present a table of the embryonic development during the first 7 weeks (9 weeks gestational age).

*You know, that was one thing I disliked about med school and still turns my stomach to this day when I leaf through my husband's medical journals: the photographs of pathology. It's just so upsetting to me, and I guess that's why it's a really good thing I reconsidered and chose a career in research. If this is how I react to photographs, I cannot imagine how I would respond if these things were present right in front of me.

2007-08-10T22:55:00.001-04:00

My paternal grandmother died today. I'm getting in the car tomorrow morning to drive back to WI to be with my family and attend the funeral. We are doing all right, this was to be expected and my dad and his sister were able to be with Grandma when she passed, which seems to have been a good thing for them. All the same, I can hear the pain and strain in my dad's voice and the same in my mom's as she is so worried about him now. Mom is also worried about me, in my delicate condition, but honestly, I feel very strong right now and relieved that my grandmother is no longer tormented by dementia and the memory of my grandfather lurking around every corner. The drive is going to be very long, but it's better for my nerves than flying, so be it.

I likely won't be posting until I get back from WI, but I want to let you know how things are going with the aforementioned delicate condition.

Everyone has been asking me how I'm feeling. For several days after the first positive, I had loads of trouble sleeping since I was so jazzed and anxious. This left me feeling kinda crummy most days with headache, etc. Now, I'm getting sleep and therefore feeling much better yesterday and today. My breasts are sore, but not terribly so and the discomfort level fluctuates--of course it's always reassuring when I take the stairs or walk down the hall and they remind me "Hey, stop bouncing, idiot!" The first few days after the positive blood test, I felt lots of discomfort in the lower right pelvis which made me start worrying about ectopic. I ruminated on that for a few days, but now have tried to push it from my mind and just hope all is going to be ok. I am peeing on sticks every other day to confirm that I still have hCG in the bloodstream, my husband wonders if that's really necessary. I told my husband I would prefer to have a blood test every 2 days, but I guess that's overkill or something. Since I have 20 peesticks in the cupboard (I am NOT exaggerating), I will continue to use them until Aug 21, the day of the U/S. I am hungry, but I've always had a good appetite, so no huge change there, I'm just quicker to respond to it. I've had some cramping, but no spotting as of yet which seems strange since you always hear about implantation spotting, but oh well, perhaps it's too early. I guess we'll see.

I feel pretty damn fortunate to have gotten pregnant the second cycle after the laparoscopy. It really does seem as though the endometriosis needed to be licked for this to work in our case. I can't help but hold my hand to my heart and thank myself for advocating for that surgery. My RE really didn't think there would be endo in there and really wasn't on board with the surgery the first time or 2 I brought it up. I know that surgical treatment of endometriosis doesn't work for everyone, but I think I'm living proof that it works in some cases.

My positive has come at a time when several of my people in the internets as well as real life are suffering with ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, and big fat negatives. I'm holding your hearts in my hands along with our wishes for the future and hoping that we all get what we desperately long for to make us whole. Much love to you all. Thanks again for all your sweet words, for stopping by to see how things are progressing, your thoughts and prayers and kindnesses.

Doubled

2007-08-08T11:52:00.000-04:00

Thanks to you all for your well wishes. I am so touched and feel such incredible support from you all.

I don't have much time to write now, but I'll do a longer update to give you the full force of my neuroses later tonight.

11 dpo: 73

13 dpo: 205

doubling time: 32.22 hours

Wheeeeee!

uncharted territory

2007-08-05T10:35:00.001-04:00

[actually posted monday 8/6 at 10:30 pm]
I'm finding it hard to locate the words...

Here is something I wrote in my post yesterday but deleted because I wasn't ready to share it. Or maybe I didn't quite believe it:

Today is 10dpo. I peed on a stick. It's faintly positive. I'm kind of freaking out. Please, please stay tuned as I will be testing all week and will call my clinic to beg for a beta tomorrow.

Right after seeing the positive I broke into my old bottle of prometrium. As of yesterday morning my temps did not look good and I just needed some peace of mind. I kept going back to that stick (early-pregnancy-tests.com brand) all day yesterday, squinting at it, making sure I really saw that second line since my mind just couldn't believe my eyes. I floated through the day and enjoyed a fitful night of sleep while I waited for this morning to arrive. I popped out of bed at 6 sharp and peed on another stick, from the same brand. And it was positive...I paced out to the kitchen and back looking at the stick, comparing it to yesterday's, walking away again, breathing, no sighing, heavily, wondering just how excited I should get. The line didn't look any darker than yesterday's...I wondered if it was already over. I didn't think so, but the thought crossed my mind. I decided to take a walk on the treadmill, and afterwards took a shower and then examined the peesticks again.

I was excited to see that both were positive but left wanting more. I rummaged through the cupboard and came up with a firstresponse. I did the test and set it down to develop and wow, it was clearly, totally positive.

At that point it was just about time to call the clinic. So I called and said, "I've got a positive home pregnancy test!" And, before I could say another word, the receptionist said, "Well, we need to get you a blood hCG test." I didn't even have to beg. So they faxed the paperwork to the blood draw center of my choosing.
So after the blood draw, I kind of felt like a pinball in a really energetic pinball machine. I was bouncing around the lab from my desk to the tissue culture hood, back to my bench over to the bathroom and back to my desk. I spent about an hour doing this until I could center myself a bit to figure out what I should attempt to accomplish today. Finally I settled down enough to start some experiments and officially "look busy".
I got the call at about 3 this afternoon. My beta was 73!! At 11dpo!! We're excited over here at Oscar's house...well, Oscar is not excited but the humans certainly are. After the sweet RE nurse told me the beta, I immediately asked, "So should I get another beta in 2 days to make sure it's doubling?" She kind of laughed and said, "It sounds like you'd like that for some peace of mind, no problem, we can send the paperwork back to the same blood draw center." So, I'll get a follow up beta on Wednesday. And we've already scheduled an ultrasound for Aug 21. So that is that.
You know it's funny, as I was chatting with the nurse I was so struck by the tone of the conversation. As always I wish I had a transcript or recording. I could hear her smiling through the phone as she said, "I am so happy to be the one who gets to tell you that you are pregnant." And from there the conversation turned to questions and information and how to proceed. She wanted to know what medications I'm taking (she said I could keep taking the prometrium, that it wouldn't hurt anything), if and how I exercise (fell off that wagon over vacation, just started walking), and what I should and shouldn't drink, do, etc. The way she was talking to me felt so different...I felt like a teenager who was finally being treated like an adult. As though I'd suddenly gained access to a secret society and I was now a full fledged member, even at a mere 11 dpo with no evidence of doubling and no confirmed heartbeat. It really made me appreciate the staff at my clinic all over again.
OK, I'm starting to feel tired, so I'm off to bed. I'll update on Wednesday with the new beta and I'll keep accumulating hpts, so you can look forward to a few more pictures.
Wow. I'm totally blown away.

To herb or not to herb...

2007-08-05T09:39:00.000-04:00

I went back to the acupuncturist on Thursday, when I was 7dpo.
Almost immediately after I sat down he began quizzing me about the herbs and if I'd decided to take them. First, I asked him about the cost, and he hemmed and hawed after which I instructed him to "Ballpark it." He screwed up his face reflecting on the cost of the herbal concoction, and I added, "Oh, I think you mentioned something last week about taking a cycle off, there's no chance of that happening right now. I've got a limited window of opportunity here after the surgery." So there. He said there would be 2 formulas (one for the follicular phase and another for the luteal phase) that he would mix himself and each would cost about $30.
At this moment, I pulled out my fertility friend chart which was looking different than most other charts in my collection. So I showed him the chart and noted a perceptible change in his mood and manner. He excitedly said, "This looks like a pregnancy chart." My eyebrows rose to stupefying heights in utter disbelief but I only said, "It's 7 days past ovulation, isn't it a little early to tell whether that's a pregnancy chart?" He conceded, but as he was pointing to the last point on the graph, he said, "Well if this temp keeps going up in the next few days, then that's definitely going to mean you are pregnant." Oh my goodness, is that really how this works? Then he said, "I'm not going to mix the herbal formulas until we know whether or not you're pregnant." And that, my dears, sounded like a fine plan.
I have to confess I was not as optimistic as he was, and don't we all know, and doesn't fertility friend specify that you can't tell you are pregnant from your chart at 7dpo? Regardless of the reality on the ground, he gave me a "light" acupuncture treatment which by my count meant fewer needles. As I lay there, I tried so hard to focus on implantation, imagining my uterus as a large, thick red carpet and a tiny little embryo digging into it. Then suddenly my mind would wander to experiments at work, what should I have for lunch, and then I would snap it back to calming, welcoming thoughts of implantation and then it would wander away again to other, more bizarre topics. After the treatment was finished I felt sleepy, as always, possibly from my mind racing around the countryside. After paying up and scheduling the next appointment he said, "You know, Jackie, I'm very encouraged by your chart." Now at this point, I was just a little annoyed with all the positive comments. After all, it doesn't do me any good to get my hopes up potentially before implantation has even taken place, right? I mean, how could he know? He didn't even check my pulses, which are rumored to change in quality when someone is pregnant.

*****

I've noticed in the intervening days since acupuncture that my breasts are sore, pretty much typical soreness for luteal phase although it seemed a little early to me. Also I've been feeling twinges in the pelvic region. And I've been yawning at 8pm, but still going to bed late-ish. I've wondered to myself, are these things I am feeling because of the power of suggestion? Am I sensing these things because my acupuncturist said something irresponsibly optimistic about my chart 7dpo before any human could glean info without a blood test? Because of these symptoms I've been hoping against hope that it's true, squeezing my boobs to see if they still hurt, assessing any feelings in the ute, watching my temperature chart like a hawk, etc. I've decided there is no discernible, definitive answer in these signs. Go figure.

A quick update

2007-07-31T22:37:00.000-04:00

Things here are going fine, I guess. We are nearly 3/4 of the way through our second DIY cycle since the surgery. I'm 5-6 dpo, drumming my nails, etc. Things are picking up at work which is great, it helps a bit to keep my mind off things during the day. I have about 30 hpts in the bathroom cupboard, so I see no reason to wait for fertility friends suggested POAS date. Question: if you use fertility friend or some equivalent software, do you wait until the date it suggests to POAS? Or do you start on day 10 and end at precisely the moment your period arrives? Just curious. I either start on day 10 or I don't POAS at all.
Last week after one or six meltdowns, I called the RE clinic and got assigned to the director (score). This is the physician that my outgoing RE recommended, so I was pleased as punch to get the appointment. It's scheduled for 3 weeks from tomorrow. In the meantime, I arranged with one of my favorite nurses to start a new injectable med/IUI cycle. So I was feeling rather smug and in control of my reproductive future. Until I went to see my acupuncturist, of course.
Since I haven't been posting regularly due to the preponderance of glumness, selfishness, lumoxity (lumox is a computer game I had kicked but have now had a relapse), obsessive refrigerator cleaning, freaked out bed-linen laundering following Oscar's first non-litterbox cat pissing incident, and random other events, I haven't written to describe how I am becoming somewhat more provoked and less, um, well, not provoked, but treated in a manner I enjoy and for which I want to continue paying out of pocket.
Here's the story: about 2-3 weeks ago, I was seeing the acupuncturist. It was my first treatment after my period when I returned from vacation. I was depressed, feeling sure nothing was ever going to work, totally lost perspective and just generally feeling sorry for and disgusted with myself. I was visibly down during the appointment and pretty much on the brink of tears for the first 10 minutes, during the initial chat, catch up, etc. After I got on the table and he was administering the needles, the tears slowly trickled from my eyes. He offered me a tissue and even gave me an out from treatment that day. I told him to proceed and he continued placing the needles. Then he walked around, gathered his breath and said, "You know my ex-wife and I went through infertility problems and it was very difficult. You and your husband should go out for dinner, get a nice bottle of wine and forget about it. Just try to enjoy yourselves." I can't really describe my feeling at the moment. It was anger mixed with resignation tied up in sadness and disappointment and I was already in such a bad place when I arrived. I simply said: "You know, it's very easy for you to say that, but it's extremely difficult for me to do that." At which point, he became extremely apologetic and quietly continued with the needles. Finally I was all needled up and nestled in with an eye pillow. During the treatment, as I lay there, listening to the lovely Japanese music I could feel tears leaking out of my eye into the thin tissue separating me from the rectangular bean bag weighing down on my eyes. I don't know what I thought about during that treatment, but it was a bad experience. Afterward, he apologized at least twice to which I replied, "I know you meant well. I am not in a good place today." And I left. And I felt pretty damn good for the rest of the day and the following day (when I chopped off much of my hair).
A week later I had another acupuncture appointment. Between these two appointments, I made the call to the RE office to set up the next cycle. This is important because in the more recent acupuncture appt, my acupuncturist told me that he wants me to start taking a Chinese herbal fertility formulas if the current cycle fails. But that he won't put me on the herbs if I am doing a medicated cycle. And then he asked me to wait to start injectable meds. And then he mentioned something about taking a cycle off. I have to get confirmation of that last tender piece of bite-sized information, but I'm pretty sure he snuck that into our conversation. So now I have to decide by the next appointment, Thursday, if I want to bail on injectables and IUI for 2 months drinking dirt that will most likely cost me a small fortune out of pocket (I have about 3 more cycles of injectable meds covered by insurance). I have already spent hundreds on other various recommended supplements. You know it's funny, even he admits these supplements can be a money pit (his words) but still he recommends them. What to do? I have about 34 hours to decide. It's not even really about the money, but at a certain point these supplements seem like a whole fucking lot of hocus pocus, especially when I can give myself injections of FSH and see (on ultrasound) and feel (my enormous ovaries) the difference in my body. Anyway, I'm not sure I'm asking for advice as much as I'm just letting you know where things are for me these days. Having just turned 33 and staring at the 3rd anniversary since starting to ttc is making me a bit edgy and indecisive. Oh well, I'm sure G-d has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason (just like I heard my mother say about 50 times when I was on vacation--oh that part coming soon, I swear).

DIY-do it yourself
dpo-days past ovulation
hpt-home pregnancy tests
POAS-pee on a stick
ttc-trying to conceive

Vacation: Days 3-6 (Madison)

2007-07-25T21:26:00.001-04:00

You get to a point where the lack of blog posts almost becomes ridiculous, what with the starting out all gung-ho at the beginning of a vacation, posting a whole 2 days in a row! and then finding that you are so busy and enjoying all the moments of the rest of your vacation that you haven't time to dedicate to posting. And then you get home from said vacation, realize you are nearing the end of a two week wait and then you get your period and think, well that surgery didn't make me uber fertile, now did it (insert droopy puppy eyes and wah-wah noise). And then you come home from work every night, drinking wine or beer, watching Netflixed Northern Exposure, playing Lumox and completely ignoring blogging duties altogether. And here we are, where it is ridiculous that I came home from vacation two weeks ago, on my 33rd birthday and haven't finished the story. Lame. Lamer. And there are so many great things to share. Let's hope the revision of history is not compounded by the number of days between then and now!

----------------

When last we left off it was Saturday June 30. That morning, my SIL and I drove into Lincoln Park, scored a rock-star parking spot and had a delicious breakfast at Cafe Selmarie. We dined on the patio, shooing away pigeons and marveling at their apparent appetite for bacon and paper. Then we headed off to The Land of Nod for some unbelievably snuggly stuffed animals and general oohing and ahing over random baby stuff. Luckily, I was still in an amazing frame of mind and able to stay afloat in the sea of swollen bellies, strollers, and general baby love. A trip to this store would normally be nearly impossible for me, but on that day it posed no problems.

After finding just the right monkey, I bid farewell to my SIL and made my way to I-90 to head for Wisconsin. No drive to or from WI would be complete without a stop at the lovely Belvidere Oasis. I was saddened to see that the Krispy Kreme was closed for business but thankful I could get my iced decaf americano, has any starbucks location ever failed?

After refueling with both iced coffee and unleaded, I was off to Wisconsin.

The photo I missed of the Wisconsin welcome was the sign alerting me to the presence of cheese, delicious cheese as well as brats and beer at the very next exit. But please, I'm in Wisconsin, it's pretty much a given. Not that you can't get them in other states, but there's just something about Wisconsin cheese, brats and beer...

I was practically hopping up and down in the car as I approached Madison. The best way to drive into Madison, day or night is to take the John Nolen Dr. exit from the beltline. The Madison skyline has welcomed me home many many times and regardless of my resident status, the view dependably brings tears of joy and familiarity to my eyes.

I was on my way to see my dear friend P and finally meet her baby B. When I pulled up to P's house, she and B were waiting for me on the front porch! It was a terrific welcome! We spent the afternoon together and had such a lovely time. Later, that evening I visited with J and S-old volleyball teammates from about 1994-2001. They have two sons, aged 5 and 3 and were in the trenches, potty training the younger one. All I have to say is that potty training looks like hard work. I can't wait!

Sunday, July 1 brought us beautiful weather and a garden tour. We had a wonderful walk around the near-east-south-isthmus region of Madison, stopping at some beautiful properties where the owners clearly doted and were devoted to their lovely gardens. We were even so privileged to be given champagne at one of the stops!
After the garden tour, we went back to P's house for a mid afternoon bbq. A few friends stopped by and we had lots of laughs watching the kids and dogs enjoying the lovely summer day. It was so funny playing with the G-man (big baby crawling in the bumbo) and watching him put the doggie's water bowl on his head like a hat and leading him around the yard with little crackers and listening to his belly laughs.

That night I met a labmate from ye olde grad school days. She's a med student now and we both consider ourselves about 17,000,000 times happier in our current lives compared to those which we endured in constant anxiety, hypervigilance, and occasional sobbing only a few short years ago. Regardless of all that water under the bridge, we had lots of laughs and enjoyed ourselves most tremendously over heaping plates of squash curry with squid served at our fave restaurant and site of many grad school lunch breaks and bitch sessions. Ah, memories.

The next day brought a very funny morning (except for the running back and forth to the bathroom--that spicy thai food did NOT sit well with me--and was much spicier than I recalled). So what was funny? Little B was eating some yummy banana mashed with avocado and P was taking pics of him. After every pic he would furrow his brow and P was trying to take 2 pics in a row, mainly to get that expression of consternation regarding the flash. Finally we decided we would use our cameras in tandem first P then me. And I ended up with this hilarious shot:

and the sweet little guy normally wears a much more relaxed expression as you can see above. Oh, funny how we laugh at these little people and try to get them to do more stuff to entertain us! I can't wait to have one of my own to tease and annoy.
Monday also brought a trip to get Mani/Pedis with our friend H. Here is a pic of little B in front of the polishes. This shot is especially for his dad, who might not approve of his son spending an hour or so in a nail salon. Tee-hee, sorry JW, but not really.

Later that day, I got a short training session with H on a pilates reformer bed, after which I became convinced that I was going to start taking pilates lessons as soon as I came back home (lessons which have yet to materialize in my post-vacation reality). That evening we had a delicious spaghetti dinner with P, her mom and H. Then H and I were off to the hottest new brew pub in Madison where I had a delicioso Madtown Nutbrown (drink it, seriously, drink any of them, they are amazing beers). H and I went back to her place and watched select episodes of Sex and the City late into the night...
The next day (Tuesday, July 3), H and I went for lunch at my other favorite Thai restaurant in Madison where they have the best (BEST) tom ka I've ever tasted-the flavors and ingredients are totally perfected for one of the most incredible sensory journeys your mouth and nose will ever experience...
Seriously.

After lunch, I hit the road to my folks' house. And that post will be coming soon, I swear...in the meantime, here's a shot of the windfarm between Madison and my hometown.

Excuse me miss, but where the hell have you been?

2007-07-24T08:11:00.000-04:00

Hi. I'm here. I feel like the school-kid who has to write about what she did over summer vacation and is procrastinating. Confession? I've been in a funk. Down deep in a shitty funk. First cycle post pelvic rest failed and despite cautioning myself from being overly optimistic in the first place, it completely threw me for a loop. One thing I have tried to keep up with is correspondence...as you can see here my piles of notes to mail, yet to write, etc:
I've received so many lovely notes from the braces bunch as well as birthday wishes. Yeah, um, I turned 33 on July 8. I'm totally fine with getting older, I only fear how the passage of years may affect my reproductive system.
Speaking of which-I'm mid-cycle through another DIY, the second non-pelvic rest cycle following the laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. If it fails, I will be back at the clinic, for what, probably more COH/IUI. I'm calling today to get assigned a new RE and we'll take it from there.
And tonight, I will really really really try to complete my assignment and post at least the Madison leg of Jackie's Summer Tour '07.
Thanks for sticking with me despite my long absence.

I'm here

2007-07-11T16:06:00.000-04:00

I'm home, I'm ok. The rest of my vacation was absolutely wonderful and so busy, I didn't have time to post. But I've been reading, trust me. I have many more adventures and restaurant experiences to share, so please stay tuned.
Also, I'm calmly anticipating a new cycle day 1 any moment now...

Vacation: Day 2

2007-06-30T08:32:00.000-04:00

My Friday got off to a luxurious start...catching up on your blogs, drinking tea, hanging out in my SIL's condo listening to the sounds of the city, writing blog posts here and there. Then it was time to skedaddle-I had to get myself downtown to meet my friend S...we had appointments to see a (wait for it...) PSYCHIC. Yes, dear readers, I was on my way to a psychic reading. I feel I must state that I am extremely skeptical of anyone professing to have psychic powers and I mainly wanted to go to this guy for a laugh and a story. So here's the story:

After some CTA snafus, I finally made it downtown using the El. I love being in a big city and seeing all the beautiful faces around me from so many cultures and walks of life--I get such a great feeling of being connected to my world....anyway, ahem. S and I connected on the street between City Hall and the James R Thompson Center. We jumped in a cab, headed over to Canal St and found ourselves ensconced in a smoky suite with an older gentleman. We could hear a TV on in another room and a dog occasionally yipping, but it was mostly quiet. At one end of the galley kitchen was a small table with 2 chairs that had a ridiculously large clock hanging behind it. S visited with the psychic first and I went to the sitting room. Since the kitchen and sitting room were completely open I was able to listen to S's conversation and she was able to listen to mine. I'm not going to give away details of S's conversation...only to say that she felt he described the relationships she has with her family members extremely well and in general she felt that he was the 'real deal'. They chatted (I'll describe the 'chatting' in a minute) for maybe 45-60 minutes (we spent nearly 2 hours with this man and I'm not entirely sure where the time went). Near the end of their conversation he said something that just about made me gasp: "Someone close to you has endometriosis and recently had surgery with a laser to remove it." S confirmed this statement while I sat in the background, eyes large, heart racing. They talked for a few more minutes after this and then it was my turn.
At the beginning of my reading he only asked for my name. "Jackie, uh, Jacqueline," I told him. And then we commenced the reading. He spoke almost continuously and asked a lot of questions. Early on he said, "You've never had any problem meeting men. And you've had lots of boyfriends. And you really like to make a clean break-when you are done, you are done." I would say this is true, but don't most people do that? Maybe not, maybe other people keep going back to the same poisoned well...not me. Anyway. He seemed focused on my family, parents, siblings, grandparents. He would get a name in his head it would begin with a certain letter and then say something like, "does your father work with a Jerry, James, John, anyone with a J name?" And I would be saying, "Um, possibly, I don't really know the people my dad works with." These name guessing vignettes were interspersed between other pieces of conversation about my family members. About my youngest brother, C, and his current situation or my other brother, D, and his situation. He also tried guessing at their ages, the age of my father so on and so forth. He also talked about my husband, his background, career, etc. Now all throughout the conversation or whatever, I was sitting there, extremely skeptical even when he said things that were accurate or things he would have no business knowing but somehow he did. And I have to admit I was trying to amplify my thoughts at him. I would look into his eyes and try to shout things at him from my brain. But he wasn't getting anything from me, so if this actually works then he's getting his info from somewhere else....my subconcious? Spirits floating around me? Anyone? Bueller? He also kept saying, repeatedly that I would have no trouble getting pregnant. Really? Is that counting any trouble I've had so far? Do I have a clean slate now? Honestly, every time he said that, I was shouting from behind my eyes: "I have been trying for over 2 years and have never been pregnant!!!" I had to tell him this verbally, because at one point I just laughed out loud at the you'll have no problem getting pregnant and he asked why I laughed. Then he recommended a local fertility clinic and I had to tell him that I don't live in Chicago. Some important things he didn't know.
There were some things he said that were accurate, but afterwards S felt that I was shaking my head and saying no a lot (the opposite of her experience). But there were certainly things he said that were right on, but much of the time I felt him trying to lead me and he was talking in circles around me touching on a subject, leaving it, then coming back to it. After it was all said and done, I felt pretty detached from the experience and continued to be skeptical. However, if it turns out that my brother D's wife is pregnant (another tidbit I got from the conversation) I might have to reconsider my defiant stance on the psychic arts.

S and I left the smoky suite and walked back over the river (see above) toward the brown line. We hopped the El to her car and then acquired a snack and hung out at her condo for a bit. Last night, a small group of us went to Anteprima, a newer Italian restaurant in Andersonville. It was wonderful, and if you are in the area and like that kind of food, I highly recommend it! We spent most of the evening rehashing the psychic experience, having lots of laughs and living it up. I love being on vacation!

Vacation: Day 1

2007-06-29T11:51:00.000-04:00

I am officially on my summer vacation. I am trekking my way across the states from MI to WI, and seeing some sights along the way. I tried to capture them yesterday on my camera, let's see how successful I was...

My day started with a visit to friend M and her 3 month old Baby S. Both are doing well now after the initial hardship of S's arrival. I tried to catch a smiley pic, but S was busy taking a nap, and you never want to wake a sleeping baby for a smile, cuz you're never going to get it! Anyway, I got my baby fix (I seriously get a high from being around babies, major endorphin boost, feely goods, and tears of joy) which should tide me over for a few days until I see P and baby B.
After getting my baby fix, I went home and got myself high in a few other ways. First I had a terrific run on the treadmill (my 6th run since I started last week) and then for my final high, well (CGL, if you are reading this skip to the next paragraph immediately), OK, I won't spell it out but if you check the cycle days, you can figure it out.

After eating lunch I packed up the car, bid farewell to my husband and hit the road.

Chugging down I-94, I came up behind this vehicle in my home state of MI. Why did I take a pic? One might guess it has something to do with the bumper sticker on the vehicle and one would be correct. Since it's impossible to read, let me inform you of its moving sentiment:

The only difference between a citizen and a peasant is the right to bear arms.

I have to admit that made me a little sick, since we have several other constitutional rights I find contribute much more to our definition of citizenry. I know I'm lefty liberal, practically socialist individual, but come on..."the only difference"? Anyway, I passed that vehicle, getting a good look at the driver, and cruised on.
Somewhere around Fort Custer (near Battle Creek or Kalamazoo) I saw fighter jets flying in formation. It would have been the coolest picture, but as you can guess, I didn't have the camera at the ready and those damn jets moved so fast and by the time they swung back, I was driving under them. So just imagine 4 jets flying in a diamond shape across a lovely blue sky and you will have seen what I did...
Movin' on...

Here, I am being welcomed to the Crossroads of America-Indiana. Gary, here I come!!!

My favored way into Chicago is first the toll road thru Indiana (mmmm Gary) and then the Skyway to Stony Island. Just above, I attempted to photograph the Mayor's sign welcoming me to the city of Chicago (there at the bottom of the photo), but mostly caught the powerlines. Lame--although I have to admit it's not easy taking photos when you are also trying to drive (safety first!). For once there was almost NO TRAFFIC and therefore not one iota of crawling gridlock during which I could stop, aim and take the perfect glorious shot of a welcoming sign.

Finally here is a shot while I'm cresting over the Stony Island exit ramp of the Chicago skyline. It's a bit more impressive if you click on the shot and get it to open in a new window.

My SIL and I went to Pilsen for dinner and had some delicious tacos at El Milagro. YUM!!!

Finally we capped the evening off with a concert at the Pavillion: Ben Folds and John Mayer. It was some good stuff, although I have to say the crowd was much less into Ben Folds than I would like, but I think he was plugged into half an amp and the sound wasn't BIG enough to get everyone moving. Oh well-the whole concert was quite enjoyable and I basked in the nearly full moonlight and felt her pull on my ovaries (shout out to jl) as I listened to the tunes fill up the night sky.

Now on to day 2 of vacation. Stay tuned for more pictures and stories!

When Life Hands You Lemons...

2007-06-25T19:50:00.000-04:00

Send your husband off for lemon poppyseed pound cake (made with love by the bakers at Whole Paycheck).It's actually quite a coincidence that there was any cake at all in our house today. I'd planned to pick some up after work and then was reminded that I would be playing tennis* with a coworker after quittin' time today. My husband just happened to go to the grocery store today...I called him on my way home with sweat dripping off my nose, elbows and leg hairs and inquired into the dessert status of his shopping trip.

Me: Did you buy any ice cream, cake, cookies or any dessert?
Him: I got some lemon poppyseed bread.
Me: That'll do, hurrah, I don't have to sweathog it up in the local grocery, not to mention this shirt** is distinctly displaying every single lard roll between my breasts and ass!

My husband is wonderfully telepathic***.

*Our 'tennis' did not include any scoring, matches, or even serves. It was more of chasing errant hits and wiping sweat from soaking brows.
**I had no problem flopping all over the court in this top, but the idea of walking into our local organic grocer was extremely offensive.
***Except when it comes to cleaning up whiskers in the sink, wiping coffee grounds off the counter/floor, going to the barber, um, I'd better stop here just in case he is reading (love you, baby!).

******
Of course this post is in honor of the Great Cake Day, also known as Mel's Blogaversary. Mel has created an amazing gathering place for those experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss and I feel so lucky both for this generous support network.
Here's a huge shout-out to Mel who has done so much for so many: Whoop-whoop!

OK, I know I've dropped an f-bomb here somewhere.

2007-06-22T10:43:00.000-04:00

But I only get a PG for using the word "shoot".

Post # 111

2007-06-20T09:38:00.000-04:00

I ran on the treadmill yesterday morning. I've been largely inactive (and getting largelier) since starting ttc. I've always been a tad on the lazy side except for a couple of years ago when I was a runnin' fool. You see, '03 and '04 were the years that I trained for and ran some marathons (1 in '03 and 2 in '04). Training was one of the most difficult but rewarding things I've ever done. Each time I had a new high mileage during the training I would be so amazed that I even finished it.
Some things that stand out in my mind:
-the way some of my sports bras and camelback would cut into my skin and the how taking a shower would burn those little places where my skin was chafed raw.
-how my boobs kept shrinking and shrinking and shrinking and my dressmaker had to keep taking in my wedding dress every time I went for a fitting and discovering a few days before the wedding that the cups of my corset were nearly empty and I had to wear falsies (that looked like silicone chicken breasts) to fill out the cups which were still half empty. oh and having a running bra tanline with a strapless wedding gown-a very good look.
-when I stopped getting the runners high.
-how I cried, no bawled, during some of the really long runs--thinking, how am I ever going to finish, it is so fucking hot out here and I am tired and thirsty and this gatorade is piss warm, dammit!
-how at the beginning running a measly 6 to 8 miles forced me to take a 4 hour nap.
-desperately (and I mean desperately) needing to make a number 2 but no bathroom for miles.
-blisters on the tips of my toes and under my toenails.
-the way the mosquitoes would descend and feast on my flesh if I stopped running to stretch.
-post-marathon depression.
Other things I remember...the really good things:
-my husband running me baths after the long runs and fixing me food and bringing it to me while I soaked.
-eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not worrying about it and then eating some more.
-the way my legs looked at our rehearsal dinner-sexy.
-meeting P at Lake Wingra at 5:45 am every Wednesday for a 10K.
-the runner's high, before it went away.
-running to the end of Picnic Point at least 2 times a week.
-the boost of energy I would get from hearing the UW marching band practice during my runs.
-the amazing spectators attending the Chicago Marathon ('03 and '04) and how their shouts and cheers and "Go, Jackie, Go!!" helped me plant one foot in front of the other until I got to the finish line (I highly recommend putting your name on your shirt-I favor iron-on).
-running the first marathon for my cousin James who died in a car accident exactly one year before and having the sense he was with me during much of the training and the race-and finishing that race for his mom and sister and giving them something positive on that dreadful anniversary.
-Philadelphia in November '04-a beautiful run through parts of Philly I never knew existed, hearing my name over the loudspeaker about midway and the words "cheesehead", letting myself fly down the huge hills-shouting-let gravity do the work people (and hearing them laugh at me and say I was crazy-ouch they were right!), running the first 9 miles with P (P, I swear we will do an entire marathon together someday!)
-the tremendous sense of accomplishment, being amazed at what I could handle physically, emotionally, and psychologically to meet the goal of 26.2 miles.

My dear friend S, who ran the Chicago marathon last year and is training again recently asked me how I could train by myself. I've been thinking about it, and I'm not really sure how I did it, yet I did do it. So I have been working on this list in part for her, but mainly for myself because the facing the challenges of IF aren't necessarily unlike the challenges of getting oneself ready for a marathon. There are lots of ups and downs but hopefully at the end you've accomplished something and are a better person for all of it.

Jackie needs...

2007-06-18T20:07:00.000-04:00

I just came across this funny Google game over at Kate's blog (KYFTI). Basically you go to google, type your name and the word "needs" and then copy the first 10 entries and post them in your blog. Voila, instant entertainment:
1. Jackie Needs a Friend
2. Jackie needs to be stimulated she needs that constant touch she needs to be constantly spoken to
3. jackie needs your help
4. Jackie needs your assistance in order to make her accessible for even more nationalities
5. Jackie Needs YOU!
6. Jackie Needs More Tiles!!!
7. Jackie needs a woman who is going to love her and be committed to a relationship
8. Jackie needs to pose for Playboy
9. Jackie needs to gets rid of that "bag"
10. Jackie needs a new neighbor hopefully someday she'll have one

Incidentally, one of the entries I viewed already appeared to be some other Jackie's list of 10 (I only stole the playboy posing from that list...it was the first in her list!). Whatever!

Photos from the Laparoscopy

2007-06-17T21:13:00.001-04:00

Hey, I have finally posted the photos from the laparoscopy. There are some pre-op shots (courtesy of my SIL-Chandra) as well as the nitty gritty shots of my internal organs. If you think those photos might gross you out, don't click the link. Also, my memory is slightly hazy regarding the pink squishy things in each photo, but I clearly remember the uterus, ovaries, liver/gall bladder and shots of endometriosis.

New Sideboard Item

2007-06-17T09:43:00.000-04:00

You may notice a new list of links over on the side. It's called the Braces Bunch. It's a lovely snail mail club I joined, from which I have been reaping the rewards (Thanks to Janel, Cibele, Leah, Kate, Rebecca, and Jennifer) but doing none of the work. All of that stops today! Luckily I have this whole day to hide out in the ranch, read blogs and write letters. It's going to be slow going at first since I have many new blogs with which to acquaint myself, but I will persevere. Onward, ho!

10 days!!!

2007-06-13T19:43:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been too long since my last post. The day I posted my Waiting for Daisy discussion items, a good friend arrived and stayed with us part of the week. This friend of mine happens to be an embryologist and has worked in human IVF clinics for the past few years. Anyway, I had lots of questions for her about exactly how it's done from her point of view and we had some interesting conversations. I learned a lot about ICSI, oocytes, sperm, and embryos...and I really thought I knew a lot about this stuff already. Huh. Well, it's good to know someone behind the scenes I think, just in case. Not that I would want a friend to be my embryologist, just more for frank open discussions and not information passed through the chain of clinical staff.
******
Yesterday was the post-op appt (and coincidentally my final appt) with my RE. We discussed the surgery, looked at the photos (I'll post a link to these soon, I swear-gotta scan them in first), talked about how things have been going and where they'll be going next. I wish I could say I've made a decision. I had a plan, of course, to try on our own for 2-3 cycles and then head back for injectables/IUI if that doesn't work. Sounds like a sensible plan most days...but then I get so impatient and want to give us the best statistical chance possible and I think, why not just go ahead with an injectables/IUI cycle right off the bat? I just don't know what to do. I'm mulling it over and leaning toward the former but not ruling out the latter. Whatever we decide we'll be doing it with a new RE. I got a good recommendation for another physician in the practice, but I'm just so bummed to be losing my RE. I said during the appointment: I just didn't know I could become so attached to a physician.
The details:
I found out that I had stage III endo, not stage II. They told me stage II after the surgery, but after plugging the data into an ASRM (American Society of Reproductive Medicine) computer program, it spit out stage III. So, high II, low III, whatever it was, it's treated. And I feel extremely fortunate that it wasn't any worse. My RE told me that sometimes when they find it at Stage IV, they just have to close up the patient because it's too difficult to treat and there is little hope of getting it all or even most of it. That would be heartbreaking.
We received good news on the biopsy: the uterine tissue was normal proliferative phase endometrium. [Brief educational aside: During the first half of the cycle, the uterus is in the proliferative phase while the ovaries are in the follicular phase. The second half of the cycle the uterus is in the secretory phase while the ovaries are in the luteal phase. My surgery occurred 1 week prior to ovulation, so proliferative phase would be expected.] My RE thought it was probably a ruffle of tissue they created when they were jamming instruments up my cooch (not my RE's words, clearly) but they tested it anyway just to be sure. So no gross abnormalities inside the uterine cavity. Of course we still don't know if there is an insidious, underlying, microscopic, immunologic problem, but we will address that if we are unsuccessful in the next 3-6 cycles.
Finally, and most importantly, my RE also let me know that I could resume all "activities". As my dear friend P called it, pelvic unrest. Let the good times roll! If only I didn't have crazy PM-bitchface-ornery-S right now, it would be absolutely perfect! I was probably more thrilled with the fact I can rely on Tampax Pearl for the upcoming visit from...oh you can guess. So the maxi pads will have to wait until after I give birth. In that case, I should say I can't wait until I have to use the maxi pads!!!

Barren Bitches Book Brigade: Waiting for Daisy

2007-06-03T18:45:00.000-04:00

Hello, here is my contribution to the 4th installment of the BBBB tour. I enjoyed "Waiting for Daisy" by Peggy Orenstein--the writing was brutally honest and heartfelt as well as entertaining and enlightening. In addition, while our treatments have differed considerably, I empathized with many of her experiences through her infertility journey.

2. Peggy talks about 'scheduling to have a baby,' making sure her life goals had been met and it was the right time to start her family. Now in hindsight do you yourself regret putting a timetable on when you would start your family? Would you have 'scheduled' your life differently?

My husband has joked on several occasions that he should have gotten me knocked up as soon as we started dating and then maybe we would never have to deal this infertility business. At the time, I was turning 27 and in my second of what was to be 6 years of graduate school and he was moving away from the city where we both lived to finish grad school. He was away for 2 years. Under the circumstances, I don't think it would have been possible to schedule life differently. Well, of course, anything was possible, but getting pregnant at that time would have been extremely irresponsible. We got married right after I turned 29 and then started ttc a few months after I turned 30 and 6 months before I would defend my thesis. We thought we had scheduled it perfectly: I would take a year off to have the baby and be home with baby before finding a post-doctoral position. He would be in the first year of his residency (so very busy), but we would live near either my family or his family who could give us extra help. We thought we were so wise. We had no idea how we would struggle to get pregnant.
To have really scheduled my life differently would have meant settling down in an earlier relationship. Which would have probably ended in divorce. I think if someone had told me when I was 22 I would have trouble conceiving 10 years later, I would have said: "I'll take my chances." And take my chances is exactly what I've done. I've sometimes wondered if I could have gotten pregnant more easily at 22 or 27 than at 32, and it's certainly possible. But I wouldn't have wanted to give a child to the person I was at either age, though, so I cannot have regrets about not trying sooner. I fear I would have too many other regrets for having a child when I was unprepared.

7. When you received your IF diagnosis, did you feel as if you were being punished or it was simply a case of dumb luck?

By the time we had our first appointment with our RE, just under a year ago, we had already been trying for a year and a half. We both went through the testing warranted by our medical history and were told that they couldn't find anything wrong with us, but that we were definitely subfertile since we hadn't gotten pregnant. Not having a diagnosis felt like punishment and this feeling was probably derived from me punishing myself more than a sense that any outside force was punishing me or us.
Fast forward to nearly a year later after failed luteal supplementation cycles, failed clomid cycles, failed COH/IUI cycles and nearly half out of my mind wondering why, and I finally said, I want a laparoscopy, I need to know more. Now, having just received my diagnosis of stage II endometriosis after thinking for so long I had unexplained IF, I very much feel as though it is just bad luck and indeed has been all along.
Ironically, I thought many times in the past year that if I could just have a diagnosis it would solve so many of the problems in my head and heart. I would finally stop asking the question, WHY? But, the fact of the matter is that getting the diagnosis, at least in my mind, just changes the questions: Am I cured, if only temporarily? Is something else the matter? Is our luck ever going to change?

8. Orenstein's friend, Larry, says on p. 47, "you can only feel the loss of something you've had." Orenstein gives her thoughts on the matter on page 50. Do you agree with Larry or Peggy?

I agree with Peggy. Perhaps in Larry's mind sensing a loss of something rather than a lack of it are not the same. In my mind, however, they are not all that different.
I see the bonds between mothers and their children all around me...I see my niece reaching for her mother, burying her face in her mother's neck and I grieve that I do not have that experience, that love from a child to her mother. I am told: "You will have it one day, enjoy the life you have..." This does very little for me most of the time. I seem to easily feel the loss of something I've never had, especially since it is something I desperately want and have witnessed time and again. I am sure others feel differently or may even think I am not entitled to feel loss...I have never had a miscarriage, I have never given birth and lost a child, I haven't had those experiences, but at the same time, I sense a loss. Perhaps it is only a loss of time that I could have with a child.
Perhaps one feels loss when one feels a need or desire for that thing. Perhaps Larry doesn't feel as though he's lost a great, close one-on-one relationship with his wife (what he's referring to in that statement) because it wasn't what he expected or wanted from his marriage.
Perhaps the question is whether sensing loss is more about desire or the act of having something? To me, it seems to be more about a desire to have something and either being unable to obtain it or having it taken from you.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. This book club is open to everyone in the community so you can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.

2007-06-03T08:56:00.000-04:00

I've been oozing blood from one of my incisions since Thursday. My husband (who has had some professional experience with oozing incisions) has assured me there is nothing to worry about. No redness, no fever, no purulent material, no problem. Just to be on the safe side*, I called the RE&I clinic Friday to indulge my neuroses with a nurse who called Dr. RE who then confirmed indeed there was nothing to worry about. I think it's finally clotted over and the steri strips should fall off any day now so I can finally see what is under them. Loads of excitement and anticipation over here.
In other news, I'm pretty sure I ovulated on Friday. In the late afternoon I was suddenly doubled over in lower right quadrant abdominal pain that was radiating all over the place. It hurt. A lot. I thought...hmmm, I have several Norco pills left over, let's pop one and see what happens. NOTHING. Then I took one of the heavy duty ibuprofen which luckily knocked it right out. I recognized the pain as ovulation because the peritonitis I experienced felt exactly like that I have experienced in past COH/IUI cycles. My peritoneum must have been overly sensitive due to the abuse of surgery only one week before.
Speaking of which, I got my hands on the post-op surgical note and read all about what they did. Reading the note almost satisfied my desire to watch the surgery-oh, how I longed for an out of body experience so that I could float above the surgeons and observe all the cutting and manipulation. I also wanted to hear what they said about my tattoo... Perhaps I should have tried to get a reality TV camera crew in the OR for a new program called The Real Infertile Wives of Southeast Michigan...oh well, to late now. I'll just have to settle for the note a bit longer. In a week or so I will get to see the pictures and have what is likely to be my last sit down with Dr. RE, who happens to be moving very far away in just a month. I have become somewhat emotionally attached to Dr. RE, therefore I am very sad to lose this doctor-patient relationship and start over with someone new. But it must be done, so I will move on. Dr. RE has offered to stay in touch after the move, which is so generous.
Which brings me to the future. What the heck to do next? I've been looking at endometriosis.org for more information on endometriosis and of course mining the scientific literature for some ideas. I have so many unanswered questions, luckily I have about 5 more weeks of pelvic rest to think about it** and make a plan.

*I'm very lucky to be married to a guy (who incidentally has an MD) who doesn't mind my second-guessing his assessment of my various health problems. I don't even think I heard an "I told you so". What a wonderful man!
**READ: whip myself into a total neurotic frenzy.

knittin'

2007-05-30T18:14:00.001-04:00

if you would like to see the projects I worked on over the weekend, you can see them here

I'm here...

2007-05-29T14:31:00.000-04:00

I've been at home recuperating over the long weekend, which I extended another day to compensate for a lack of sleep Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. My husband explained to me that some patients experience paradoxical stimulant side effects (i.e. sleeplessness) from narcotics and that was my problem. I've been narcotic-free for 2 days and catching up on my rest.

Things I have been doing since the surgery:
Watching movies: The Notebook, The Wedding Banquet, Elizabethtown, The Pursuit of Happyness, Babel, Sherrybaby, Bride and Prejudice (only got about 10 minutes through this--I couldn't take all the singing and dancing) maybe others...
Watching TV on DVD: The Office (BBC version), Arrested Development (every single episode)
Listening to podcasts of This American Life
During the above media saturated hours I have also been:
Knitting: I have nearly finished another kiddie sweater, made 1 side of a kiddie dress, finished a scarf (uneven tension-will need to be redone), started a blanket (will have to be ripped out for want of larger knitting needles)
Chatting on the phone
Stuffing down my emotions
Examining my steri-strips

So things are going rather well here. I indicated that I am on 6 weeks of pelvic rest. I think this is not due to the laparoscopy as much as the hysteroscopy where some part of either my uterus or cervix was removed and sent off for pathology report. I can't remember what it was exactly, but something looked strange and required further analysis. They are concerned that I might contract an infection should I not abstain from pelvic activity, so I'll abstain. I don't want to make matters worse, for goodness sake.
I should know about the pathology report in 2 weeks. The endometriosis was confined to the body of the uterus and the ligaments extending behind the uterus to the sacrum. These lesions were ablated, hopefully removing (if only temporarily) the cause of infertility. I realize the situation could be much more complex, but we have been told that the endometriosis should not recur for at least 6 months to a year, giving us at least some window of opportunity before we really start worrying again.
Immediately following the surgery I was feeling giddily optimistic about our prospects. For the most part I still am. Ever the realist (read pessimist), I am reining in my expectations and just working on healing and feeling like myself again. Sometime in July we will concern ourselves with trying to conceive and work out the cycle details at that time. Until then, we have half a summer to enjoy, and I will do my darnedest.
Thanks so much for all the support, emails, telephone calls, text messages, and loving vibes you have sent our way. You are all so wonderful.

Dx

2007-05-25T15:34:00.000-04:00

Laparoscopy showed Stage 2 endometriosis, which they treated. Hysteroscopy showed one teeny weeny something (my SIL's words)-not sure what they did about that. I'll know more when Dr. RE calls me tomorrow morning.

Six weeks of pelvic rest-husband disappointed.
I'm pretty tired and going to get some sleep now, thanks again for all your well wishes, kind words and just stopping by to check on me. You all are the best.

Scan

2007-05-25T08:01:00.000-04:00

Back from a pre-op ultrasound, performed by my very own Dr. RE who explained everything as it was happening and even showed me my left iliac artery pumping away, so cool!
Anyway, Dr. RE just wanted to check that my ovaries and uterus and fallopian tubes* were ok before proceeding with the laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. Everything seems to check out, so I'll be back later to let you know what we know. When we know it or as soon as I am lucid enough to type on the internet machine.

*Dr. RE assured me that Fallopian tubes cannot be seen by ultrasound unless they have pathology (hydrosalpinx). And we didn't see mine, so let's hope they are ok.

Fallout

2007-05-25T06:31:00.000-04:00

I was just over at Salon.com reading Broadsheet (fem-blog) and it's readers' take on the the 60 year old woman giving birth to IVF twins story*. And several of the commenters are taking their disgust at this older woman giving birth to IVF twins and stretching it out to all women who pursue ART (assisted reproductive technology) altogether. It just makes me so sad to see other presumably politically progressive individuals (it is Salon after all) call me and others like me selfish and greedy for seeking ART to complete our families. Of course these individuals do not disclose whether they are childfree by choice, easily had children with their mate, or are resenting the shit out the children they have.
My heart actually broke a little when I read the commenter's responses because I just don't understand how someone can get up on their stump and rail against certain types of reproductive choice and celebrate others. Or how they can say that insurance companies should never cover any ART. Opine about ART contributing to overpopulation of the planet. Rant about survival of the fittest and how this isn't what nature intended. Really, is any part of our modern life what nature intended especially where healthcare is concerned? By logic shouldn't these same individuals be arguing that we not treat cancer, cardiac, stroke, AIDS, etc patients for fears of population explosion and nature not getting her way? Fuck that! ARGGHHH.
I've got to stop reading broadsheet and the reader responses to anything that discusses ART. You would think I would know by now just how upsetting that environment is. And while part of me wants to ignore these responses to MY REPRODUCTIVE CHOICES, another small part of me is yearning to understand more about this line of thinking and wondering how to turn it around. Is it only as simple as being infertile or close to such individuals that allow you to respect their REPRODUCTIVE CHOICES?

*I'm not linking to the story because I don't want my blogger response to be published for all the nay-sayers to come back here and give me grief. I'm just not going to be any shape to deal with it. Passive aggressive much? Why, yes, thank you very much!

Hello Jello

2007-05-24T16:34:00.000-04:00

Hey, thanks for your emails and comments wishing me luck tomorrow-so sweet of you!

I have just begun the visicol purge after limiting myself to Jello and water for the entire day. I did treat myself to a haircut, which is very cute, thanks for asking.

In my sophomore year of college, I briefly shared an apartment with a woman who lived on Jello and exercise. She was thin, like my blood. Anyway, I don't really get it. Jello is pretty gross, especially when it's the only thing you eat and it's not in some fancy molded shape with loads of whipped topping, etc to make it interesting. How can one live on the stuff? I count myself extremely lucky since there are so many malnourished people in the world, and my cupboards are well-stocked, and I'm just on the elective one-day-presurgery-Jello-diet diet. But you know, when you have the choice, I don't see choosing the all Jello diet. But that's just me.

I'll be back tomorrow evening to give you the post-surgery update.

My blood is like a runway model.

2007-05-23T08:56:00.000-04:00

No, it's not living on cigarettes, champagne, and cocaine...
What I'm trying to say is that my blood is thin. This morning as I was going over the laundry list of supplements I am taking with the pre-op nurse, she sounded the alarm bell: Stop taking everything! No more supplements! Cod liver oil is a blood thinner!
Apparently in addition to the low-dose aspirin*, Cod liver oil is a blood thinner. Frankly, I wasn't quite sure why I was taking it, I knew fish oil is supposed to be "good for you" so I didn't read up on it**. I didn't even fathom how it might be counteracting the cheese and ice cream fats rolling through my arteries...which, based on the appearance of my menses, it most certainly is. I'm sort of thinking to myself now-duh, why do they suggest fish oil to people at risk of heart disease? This stuff really works! Either it is dramatically synergizing with the aspirin (in which the effect is greater than the sum of 2 parts) or it's doing all the work on its own. Since I don't seem to have a bleeding disorder from all these blood thinners (good thing I've been balancing out with regular, small doses of saturated fats), I should be fine on Friday-plus despite the pre-op nurse's alarm, the surgery isn't canceled. Yet.

*Which I stopped taking over a week ago.
**Rest assured, I did look into every other supplement my acupuncturist recommended (consulted the scientific journals as well as Dr. Google) and they appear to be WONDER DRUGS. Or at least not harmful. As to whether they help me get pregnant remains to be seen.

Aw, shoot!

2007-05-22T12:38:00.000-04:00

I just got a message from my husband via email:

"The Movies" came today, i half opened the plastic when i saw that the game probably will not run on your computer. It will run ok on mine, but i have the minimum requirements. The plastics not all the way off, we could attempt to return it...

I have been letting the creative juices flow (not my usual m.o.) and was planning one humdinger of a short film (a great example of this technology in action can be seen here) to contribute to the International Infertility Film Festival. Drat! Curse my brand new laptop that wasn't built for 3D-gaming. Oh, sweet little Macbook, how could you fail me like this? OK, so it's really my fault that I didn't consult the requirements for running the software before I added it to my Amazon shopping cart and clicked PURCHASE. I didn't really consider it since my new laptop is so FABULOUS in every other way, plus it has iMovie-what more could a girl ask for? So now I have this short movie playing in my head (to music!) and a computer game that I can't use to make it real- perhaps I could just write out the script and you could read it and that would be the same? No, not really, I understand. I'll figure something out. I have until July 28, after all!

*****
Update:
After wasting some more time and reading some reviews of this game, "The Movies" apparently might run on my MacBook just fine and dandy, so all of the above angst was for naught. Perhaps. We shall see. I have all evening to try to play!!! I'm so excited.

Later Update:
The game runs just fine on my MacBook. Now I just have to come to grips with learning the ropes and finding all the characters I need to make the film of my daydreams. From what I've experienced so far, it's going to be a challenge. But I won't back down!

And now, more palatable topics

2007-05-21T22:26:00.000-04:00

I was mowing the lawn Saturday evening, and thinking about the situation. Of course, I am nearly always thinking of the situation. With every step I took, pushing that mower back and forth, I felt the step was also being taken in our infertility journey or "story".
I can't help but think that ttc on our own and all the diagnosis and treatments we have done so far compose a chapter or set of chapters that we are ~~closing the door~~ turning the page on (mixed metaphor or bad metaphor, which do you prefer?). We are beginning new concurrent sections of the book-Complementary/Herbal Medicine and Advanced Diagnostics. The former will detail the effects of acupuncture and myriad herbal supplements on the quality of my menses, while the latter will cover laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and the a reproductive immunology work-up. I refuse to proceed with more treatment until I have ruled out every single possible thing that could be tested (am I a pain in the ass, or what?). Of course, the results from these tests may help us write the rest of our story or at least provide some easy blog fodder.
But, as you can probably guess, I'm really hoping for some new knowledge. Some clue as to why this is happening to us. Perhaps it's because a friend said to me tonight: "You know, I sometimes have the feeling that NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU." Unfortunately I pretty much shut down after that for several minutes so I don't know if that statement was redeemed by another statement like "Despite the fact that all of your tests appear normal so far, the fact that you haven't gotten pregnant in nearly 2.5 years of trying strongly suggests SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU."
I feel like I NEED something to tell people is wrong with me. I have to have a diagnosis. Tonight, in the car on the way home, I started trying to construct a diagnosis I thought might be credible, just to have one, just to have something to blame, even if it wasn't the truth. It sucks to be infertile, and it really sucks when you tell your friends all the tests were normal and they say things to imply that it's all in your head. It hurts loads. And for me, it isn't an immediate hurt. I'm so suggestible I think, Hmm, maybe I DO need to relax...wait a second, what just happened here? Are you trying to make me blame myself for this more than I already do? Congratulations. You just did. And I fell for it. Nice work...oh wait, you were trying to make me feel BETTER? You just didn't.
After all is said and done with the Advanced Diagnosis, I suppose it could just as easily happen that nothing will be found-that the organs will be pristine and that my womb does not spell immunological doom, events upon which everyone will shrug and suggest IVF. And I will agree. I think.

Warning: Excessive obsession over menses and diarrhea follows

2007-05-21T21:54:00.000-04:00

I'm doing all right here, trust me. No big whoop. Another failed cycle, I had the negative beta, so I knew what to expect. I just wasn't expecting it Friday morning shortly after I arrived at work. I was prepared, don't get me wrong. NO, I am not one of those silly gals who thinks you can trick your body into getting pregnant by not being prepared. Anyway, it just seemed early to me. And the cramps, holy hell-but been there, done that. I was wholly unprepared with the menses that found me this cycle. No clots. Not even one. Now, I could make this conversation devolve into a grotesque painting rejected from the seediest art gallery. I will try to spare you that. Let's think of an appropriate analogy...I can't really. Let's just say that the consistency of my menses never really recovered after going off the pill. Hell, I wasn't even aware of what 'normal' menses were anymore. I thought brown paste was normal. This cycle was a whole new experience. Just blood. Period (oh, now, that's really rich).
Of course, my mind has been going a mile a minute. The scientist needs to know WHY. WHY? Is it because I started acupuncture? Stopped soy? Started cod liver oil and extra B-complex+folate? Did the aspirin finally start working after 3 or is it 4 cycles? Was it the injectables only cycle? Is Leo, my rising sign in the house of Saturn (? Clearly I know jack shit about astrology)? Who cares, just be glad that your uterus appears to be functioning normally, is what one part of my brain shouts at the other more curious part of my brain. Oh, believe you me, I was searching all the literature, the Dr. Google, would you believe that nothing useful came from such glorious searches as: "baby aspirin quality of menses time" or "baby aspirin menses appearance" or "can someone tell me what is going on with my menses???"
I know, I just need to drop it and go with the flow (ew, another horrible, terrible pun). But I cannot help but ask a few questions since no one seems to have covered this somewhere with the keywords I would use. First, if you started baby aspirin and you noted a change in your menses, did it take >3 cycles? Next, if you started acupuncture and you noted a change in your menses, did it occur the first cycle? Please, I know this may seem gross, but I would love to hear about this. Doesn't anyone else think it's important not only to record how often we get our periods, but also its characteristics? Perhaps brown sludge is not conducive to pregnancy...something I wish I had brought up long ago. Well, I'm shouting it from the rafters now-I'll be telling my acupuncturist on Wednesday and my RE on Friday. Hopefully they will have some insight, or more than-that's nice, just keep taking your baby aspirin.
OK, end of menses talk. Now how about that upcoming shit-storm? [Seriously, this has to be the grossest post ever. I'm feeling like maybe it should be one of those posts I just save for posterity, but not share.] Anyway, I have been told that I am very lucky that I only have to take pills and do not have to drink a gallon of polyethylene glycol to wash out my guts. Super, I am lucky. I still have to knowingly and willingly give myself diarrhea which may also be accompanied by vomiting (my least favorite activity). I worry they will both happen at the same time. I know someone who got food poisoning last Thanksgiving and had this most unfortunate experience. Grody-toady. I'm sure my imagination racing to the worst possible conclustions and I'll be absolutely fine. It will be like that time I took Augmentin (have you ever had this? I think mine may have had ex-lax encased in the middle of them) the most overprescribed antibiotic of all time. Anyway, there was no cramping or faintness, just a faucet. Hopefully it will be that easy. Please, won't you tell me of your bowel preparation experiences? If only to put my mind at ease?

TMI?

2007-05-17T21:09:00.000-04:00

Today I was back at the main hospital (i.e. where nobody knows my name) phlebotomy lab to have my pre-surgery CBC and blood type testing performed. When I lifted up the sleeve, she could see that I had just had blood drawn. I said: "Oh yeah, that's from the pregnancy test I had Tuesday. Since it was negative, I'm back to have blood drawn to prepare me for surgery."
"Oh," she said. She added, "Do you want to be pregnant?"
"Yes...someday."

And thankfully, I found the strength to leave it at that and not go into every last detail of my quest to get pregnant. A big step for me. Huge, actually. So, maybe not TMI, perhaps JEI (just enough info), to keep them guessing...

Vigilant but relaxed...

2007-05-17T11:46:00.000-04:00

It's Thursday. Last cycle, the Thursday before my period was very bad indeed. I have no idea whether it will happen again today, but I'm on the lookout, vigilant.

*****

My second acupuncture appointment was this morning. I like acupuncture. It's really relaxing. You know, it's not like physiologic changes occurring with acupuncture are measured easily as when you are injecting stims. With stims, you get the ultrasound that shows you all those follicles popping up. With acupuncture, I think it is harder to determine how unblocked your qi (chi) has become. But I do notice that I feel tremendously relaxed, certainly a step in the right direction, right? I should become instantly pregnant despite having a beta less than 2.

*****

Please prepare yourself for an upcoming post on colon cleansing. I have to do bowel preparation before the laparoscopy. This will involve taking many huge tablets of sodium phosphate with loads of clear liquids which will induce copious amounts of watery diarrhea. Then I'm supposed to take dulc*lax. Good times. I'm going to be a grade-A beeyotch by the time that surgery rolls around. No solid food after Wednesday night...the surgery is on Friday. Should be prime walking-on-eggshells time down at the ranch. Send some positive vibes to my husband. He will need them.

Beta-day

2007-05-15T16:37:00.000-04:00

I left work in plenty of time. I made it to the clinic 10 minutes ahead of my scheduled appointment time. When I checked in, I mentioned to the receptionist that I had a beta drawn this morning and could she let "them" know to look for it before my appointment. Then she said she could look it up or let them tell me. I didn't want her telling me the beta result in the waiting room, so I suggested she just let them tell me. So, I filled out the current medications worksheet, waited patiently for the MA to call me back for my weight (yikes) and blood pressure. I was then guided into an exam room where I asked the MA about my beta. MA left the room with my chart to look it up and told me Dr. RE would be in to see me shortly. So I began filling out the other form MA left for me, basically a pre-op questionnaire. I left 2 questions open: are you on anticoagulant therapy and could you be pregnant. I wasn't sure if baby ASA is considered anticoagulant therapy and I didn't know whether I was pregnant. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And started writing in my journal:

Waiting for pre-op appt and beta. Am I feeling a twinge? Is it real or anxiety? It kinda feels GI.
The longer I have to wait, the more worked up I will be when U walk through that door. I think all the docs may be having lunch together in the room next door to my exam room. I just heard some loud talking/laughing "...an FSH of..."
I have nothing to think about since I have no data, at the same time I am trying to predict or control the way that I'll behave when I get the news:
(-): Frankly, I'm not that surprised since I haven't had any implantation twinges to speak of.
(+): Wow, that's some great news. What's next? As if I know nothing about 6 week scans, ectopic pregnancy or miscarriages.

And I waited. Then I got up and looked around the room at stuff. I found some interesting brochures. Have you seen the one on male factor distributed by Serono? On the cover is a picture of a nice young couple apparently packing up their station wagon to go on a Bahamavention. Cuz, if you have male factor, that's going to help you a whole hell of a lot. Inside the pamphlet, they show the same couple, standing by their open station wagon looking at a magazine. Hmm. Perhaps it is a travel guide. Whatever. It was something that struck me as I was waiting for Dr. RE to show up.
Which finally happened 45 (45!!!) minutes after my appointment was scheduled to begin. [Am I the only one who gets cracked up when appointments begin so fucking late? I mean, I have a g.d. job to get back to!]
As Dr. RE sits down, I say, I had the beta drawn this morning. Dr. RE has the chart open and then jumps up to get the beta off the computer, leaving me alone in the exam room. I just happened to glance over at the chart and see the result right there, in plain sight and circled:
Bhcg <2
Kablam.
When Dr. RE comes back, I point at the chart and say, less than 2? Yeah, basically undetectable is what that means, sorry. Bummer. Yeah, bummer. Oh well, moving on, we have a surgery coming up?
So we talk about the surgery, and I am one cool customer. And you know what, I really do feel numb. I don't feel upset or angry, and at one point, during the rest of our appointment, keeping with the script, I said: Frankly I am not surprised about the negative beta, I haven't felt anything that I would construe as implantation. Dr. RE took that in stride. We also discussed what will come after the surgery. You know, future attempts to get pregnant. I laid out the plan for a 2 cycle break, which seemed to be necessary anyway for full recovery from hysteroscopy. Did Dr. RE say one period or 2? I disremember. It doesn't matter, I'm taking a 2 cycle break. I'll still be going to acupuncture and during the second cycle, I'm sure we'll be trying the old fashioned way. Dr. RE has been reading the book, and has agreed to write a referral to RFU so that I can pursue more diagnostic tests there. The plan is in action, and that is a good thing because in 2 days I may be a puddle on the floor, and decision making is not the forte of any puddle, floor-bound or otherwise.
So that's the beta-day. I'm sorry I didn't post this sooner as you may have checked back multiple times. When I finally got to go back to work, I actually had to do WORK, how dare they? And then I had to go to the grocery store to get my requisite comfort meal: baguette, brie, all beef summer sausage, and a bottle of Clos du Bois Cabernet Sauvignon I found insanely marked down. There is also a quarter of a cake in my refrigerator and if my husband doesn't come home soon, I just might eat it all. Seriously.
Other than that, I Netflixed "Blue Velvet" which I'm sure will be totally mystifying and what-the-fuck-ing, but that is what is here, so that is what I will watch. While I play Peggle. All evening long.

2007-05-15T10:07:00.000-04:00

The blood has been drawn and is gone. I decided to have it done here at the hospital instead of at the clinic since the path-lab is right inside the hospital and I didn't have to rely on the schedule of the pick-up-drop-off crew, delaying my beta results even further.
After the mercifully speedy phlebotomist took the blood (oh, how I missed the tiny butterfly-the two shown to the right in the pic, instead I had the major vein gouger, on the left), I had to ask:
"Um, yeah, so I have an appointment with my Dr at 1 pm today, do you think the results will be in by then?"
She said that they might be, or they might not be. And she remarked that there wasn't a STAT on the order.
I laughed, saying, "Oh, it's not a STAT." Then I gaily shouted, "Well, it's a STAT to me!!!!"

How the hell am I going to concentrate for the rest of the day? First I'll be thinking: Will the results be ready when I get to my appointment? Then if they are ready, I'll be thinking about the appointment and those results, either positive or negative for the rest of the day. And if they're not ready? Then I'll be wondering when they will be ready and when the clinic will call to tell me and how I'll react to it and will I be able to keep my cool either way? Oy. And it's only Tuesday. OK, I really need to immerse myself in some work, so here goes it...you know I'll be back later to let you know what I find out. Good or bad.

Random morning drivel after too little sleep

2007-05-15T07:09:00.000-04:00

Last night was a bit rough, ok, ok, not breastfeeding newborn twins rough, so let me qualify. Rough for a childless person who lives a life of relative ease.
What was rough? I kept waking up and every time I woke up, my mind was filled with beta thoughts, am I finally pregnant thoughts, when will I fall asleep again thoughts, etc. Over and over. My husband was on home call and that damn pager wouldn't stop ringing, for the love of all that is good in the world. The patients clearly needed his attention, and while admittedly, some nights of home call are blissfully peaceful, last night wasn't one of them and may have been one of the worst. On nights like that, I almost miss the old days when call nights meant a free night home alone in bed! But I digress...I was particularly attuned to that pager last night...every time it sounded, I flopped over in the bed, eyes wide...is it time for me to go have my blood drawn? Well, now it's morning, one of my in-laws is occupying the bathroom and I really need a shower before I head out today. So, tick-tock, people, let's go!!! It's nearly 7:30 and that is when my clinic door unlocks. Jeepers.

Riding the wave...

2007-05-14T22:31:00.000-04:00

It's a good wave for the moment, so I thought I'd better document it. You know before the shit hits the fan, Aunt Flo arrives with overnight bags, surgery becomes a reality instead of a mere hazy suggestion...Plus I sort of feel as though I'm always coming here when I'm feeling sad or upset and especially cynical. So here is a rare positive moment (warning, it's not all positive-but no tears or lumps, I swear).
Anyway, today I found out that 2 friends inside the computer had great beta results (here and here). Ok, one is a friend inside the computer, the other is someone I admire inside the computer. And right now, other women's positive betas are absolutely amazing news to me and makes me feel almost like it could happen to me too. Soon.
Couple that with the shit complexion I have right now and painful boobs and you can see how I might almost nearly, not quite completely have myself whipped into a maybe-this-is-the-cycle-for-me-too frenzy. Just a sec, gotta check the boobs and make sure they're still sore...yep!
Of course, shit complexion and sore breasts can easily be blamed on P (who shall not be named) especially after the most excellent priming by my out of sight estradiol numbers (750, 2 days prior to the IUI).
Quickie biology lesson:
Estrogen primes progesterone receptors. Early in the menstrual cycle, estrogen levels are high, and elevate expression of the progesterone receptors around the body. Later in the cycle, progesterone is also elevated, and since estrogen stimulated expression of its receptor it has a place to act/work, and how! Analogy...Let's say there is an office building, and 5000 people come here to do their work on a given day. Now let's say there are only 100 computer stations for those 5000 people. Not a very efficient office building, right? (Clearly I am a scientist and not a business person because who else would come up with such an asinine analogy?) So, this might be what you would have if you have plenty of progesterone, but a poorly primed system-from what I understand, this occurs with IVF and that is why women have to first take pills/shots/patches of estradiol before they start up with pills/shots/suppositories of progesterone. In a well primed system, there are computer terminals for everyone! (OK, so there are probably many more molecules of P4 than receptors, but a sufficient number for it to get it's work DONE.
End of lesson.

I want to state clearly that I'm not saying that an estradiol of 250 (the number I had on the previous cycle) wasn't sufficient for pregnancy, I'm merely stating that X3 during this cycle may be increasing my symptoms (sore boobs, shit complexion, bitchface attitude-my husband actually told me to calm down tonight. Asshat.). More likely than not, it's all in my head. And it's all because I'm a crazy infertile, with enough information in my head and at my fingertips to be dangerous, but not quite enough to be useful. OK, now this positive wave has turned into self-deprecation and calling my sweet husband rude names. Let's see if I can get the positive back...

Ah yes. Positive betas...I have an order for a blood draw at any time I would like: for one beta-hCG. The tortoise tells me that tomorrow I will be 9dpo, although I'm thinking it could be anywhere between 8 and 10 dpo. I have a pre-op appt with Dr. RE tomorrow (tues) afternoon to discuss the lap/hys on May 25. If I have my blood drawn right away in the am, it is possible they will have the beta by the time of the appt. Unlikely, but possible. BUT. Of course there is a but, did you think this was going to end altogether well? Fools.
The but is this: I haven't yet felt the twinge. Which could be a good thing (inflammation isn't happening in my uterus, happy day) or a bad thing (implantation isn't even making an attempt, because fertilization didn't take place, blah, blah, blah, oh dreary day). Thing is, I won't know unless I have the test done. And regardless of what the test shows the outcome is the same. If I'm pregnant, celebration, dancing in the streets, all that jazz. If it's negative, I have a nervous breakdown somewhere between Dr.RE's office and work, spend the rest of the week in a funk, get the actual knowledge by the weekend, have the surgery next Friday, take a break for a few months, go to the RFI and find out if my immune system is out of whack, get back on the horse/wagon/mule/transport of choice and try, try again. You see, I have a plan, and I'm riding that plan today like a beautiful wave. Too bad I don't know the first thing about surfing...

Letter

2007-05-14T09:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Throat:

Hello, my name is Lump. I'm writing this note to let you know that I'm going to be hanging around you for a few days. Let’s say 7-10, give or take. I know, it must seem like a huge nuisance for me to be lurking about, but there are things that can minimize (or maximize) your discomfort. Please advise Fingers to keep all Patty Griffin, Tori Amos, Ben Folds…um…well, just about any music regarding hardship, children, infertility, and the like off the iPod. Fingers sometimes forget that Ears are just so goddamn sensitive and you may not know this, but Ears can directly cause me to enlarge, and, let me tell you Throat, it’s going to get a bit uncomfortable for you if we let Ears get agitated. And you might remember from last time, that when I expand, and start to crowd you, something happens to Eyes and Nose and it just becomes a MESS. And then Lungs and Vocal Chords get into the mix, and suddenly we’re drawing all sorts of attention to ourselves. Maybe I should be writing this note to Fingers…

Presently yours,

Lump

My cat-son, Oscar

2007-05-12T08:59:00.000-04:00

So this morning, I turn the laptop on, scroll through my emails, look at some blogs and Oscar hops up and nestles in on my navigation hand/arm. I took this shot of Oscar snuggling my disembodied head using the nifty camera embedded in my screen/monitor thingy. Not my best angle, but who cares? I just wanted to show the cat-love.

Tears at Target

2007-05-11T23:04:00.000-04:00

My first few days of Prometrium this cycle were filled with euphoria. Let me stress that at the root of this euphoria you would not necessarily have found a woman who was optimistic about the outcome of her treatment cycle. No, you would have found a woman who, normally sullen and quiet, now meeting your eyes, hollering hello at you, and smiling a broad, crooked teeth grin.
Yesterday (4 days into Pro)... not so much. I was working on an experiment at the bench, pipetting buffer from one tube to another, and suddenly tears were sprouting out of my eyes, my nose was snotting all over the place, and importantly, I couldn't see what the hell I was trying to do. I understand this happens a lot when one is pregnant. Far too early for me, of course, to know anything about that other P-word, so I just blame it on the Pro.
I finally regained my composure, continued with the experiment (switching from Patty Griffin to Wilco on the iPod, how could I be so stooooopid as to listen to Patty when I'm already half-wrecked? Can you say: Impossible Dream? More specifically: When It Don't Come Easy--it'll take you from half-wrecked to total wreck after about 4 notes) and rounded out the day. Next stop: Mother's Day cards.
Now, I'll be the first to admit, I don't really think of Mother's Day as some special day really rubbed in my face by the fact that I don't have a child. I pretty much see every day like that. And I don't mean rubbed in my face by anyone or anything specific, just my own effed up mental machinations.
Anyway! There I was in Target, surrounded by families of all ages, picking up their last minute Mother's Day cards (mine won't be arriving until TUESDAY!!! The Pony Express has to row a boat across Lake Michigan to get the cards to my home state WI-plus I was too lazy to take that into account and send the cards early).
I was leafing through the cards, trying to get to the funny section away from the "feeling-y" section, but the funny section was swamped. And I was in a hurry. So I figured, we're not going to laugh our way through it this year! The tears were welling in my eyes before I chose the first card. My mom's: All my life I'll never find a better friend than you. Then I picked one up for my maternal grandmother: ...you have a beautiful way of living your faith, grandma. Then for my paternal grandmother: Listening to you talk about your life, and sharing stories bout our family are some of the best times of my life. By the time I picked out that last one, the tears were flowing again. A crowded Mother's Day card aisle is NOT a place you want to have impaired vision. There were toddlers, tweens and all sorts of people there who could witness your impaired vision breakdown. For SHAME!
I guess what the Target meltdown revealed is that I really miss my family. This mother's day, I will not be lamenting the lack of my own child as much as I will regret being away from my mom and my grandmothers who played a huge role in raising me.
But I will call them, tell them I love them, and hope to see them soon. Maybe, in July, closer to my *cough* birthday.

One-sided conversation with Prometrium

2007-05-09T20:50:00.000-04:00

...

Ugh. You again?

.

Fine. Look, I'll use you, but I'm not going to let you trick me again.

?

That's right. You sit there acting so innocent. Well, this time you're not fooling anyone, especially not me! I know your game, you convince me that I'm pregnant, that I need you to stay pregnant, when all along I'M NOT! I should have believed those pee sticks.

...

Hah, you sit there looking so smug, but I have an ace up my sleeve!

?

Somewhere here in this pile of paperwork, *shuffles papers* and besides another prescription for you, is an order for an early hCG beta blood test. So there!

!

Yep, and when it comes back negative, I will be done with you for a while because I am taking a break! No more peanut oil dripping from my nethers. Yuck!

.

Although, I suppose it could be worse. I could be sticking large needles in my ass and injecting progesterone in oil. Yes, indeed it could always be worse. But now, I'm getting ahead of myself. One day at a time...

?

Never mind, I'm waxing philosophical. It's part of my new mantra, living in the moment and all that shit. And you, my old friend, are a two moment per day event for me, so get over here! It's time for the second moment of the day.

?!?!?!?!?!?

What 2ww? Bring on the lap.

2007-05-08T22:48:00.000-04:00

Saturday morning we woke up around 6:30 am. My husband had to make an early deposit in the "Lusty Latin Babes" room (more on the local sperm palace at a later date), but I wanted to talk about what would come after the cycle. My optimism is waning and was pretty well non-existent the morning of the IUI. So I started in on him again about May 25-the day I'm scheduled to have a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy (me fully awake, he a tad groggy) NOTE: I may have embellished the transcript a wee bit, but you get the point:
"Do you have to cover* anyone on May 25? That's a Friday. That's the day my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy are scheduled."
"Mmmm?"
"Well, if you do have to cover someone that day I should think now about arranging to have someone around to be there during the surgery and recovery."
"Mmmm."
"Should I ask your sister to take the day off work, drive over from Chicago, and take care of me that day and weekend?"
"Mmmm? What time are you having the surgery?"
"I don't know yet. I have a preop appt on May 15, but I'll certainly find out that day and then we can work on getting a schedule ready for May 25 and Memorial Day weekend."
"Mmmm."
"So do you have to work on May 25?"
"Mmmm. We have resident appreciation day that afternoon, so I can probably just drop you off and head over there after lunch time."
"Oh really? You are going to leave me home alone with a bottle of Percoset after I've had abdominal surgery? Nice."
So, what do you think? Is it safe to be home alone immediately after undergoing laparoscopy/hysteroscopy? Should I buy a plane ticket for my mother? Should I (gulp) ask my in-laws to come and stay with us?
I may be worried for nothing. I am asymptomatic for everything as far as I can tell (I'm talking about endo or intrauterine issues). Perhaps they'll jimmy the camera inside only to find pristine organs, sans adhesions, and after using the mystical ultrasound guided parchment, digging up the buried treasure of my left ovary. Well, they're surgeons, I'm sure they'll find something to ablate or move around or reorganize. Oh, but hope of hopes, I may fall** pregnant in the meantime and all this early morning chit-chat regarding May 25 will have been completely unnecessary.

*My husband is a resident in a field of medicine that is completely unrelated to our current "troubles". He is currently on a month of "Jeopardy". Not the game show, but a situation where he is called in to cover other residents who are off doing who knows what.
**As if becoming pregnant is some kind of freak accident where your shoe accidentally gets caught on a step and you fall on your ass in front of a bunch of hoity-toity strangers. Oh wait, sometimes it is?

IUI #3

2007-05-05T13:55:00.000-04:00

I'm back after my 3rd IUI. I am experiencing much less discomfort today compared to last time. Could it be due to a lack of spicy Indian food? Possibly, ne, probably.
Chatting with Dr. RE (same as last IUI) I found out that not only did I have the uber-follicle at around 21mm, but also 2 follicles around 14mm. And Dr.RE has seen someone with 2 14mm follicles get pregnant with twins! So there you go! Anything is possible! Who knows, maybe my womb will finally decide to be a friendly, nice place for implantation and I will at long last fall pregnant! Third times the charm and all that jazz! Let the two week wait begin!
I have to admit that despite my sarcastic, cynical attitude, there is a tiny glimmer of hope festering in my heart. Dr. RE happened to mention that my estrogen is much higher this cycle than it was either of the last 2, and any time a difference registers between cycles, it thrusts a little hope into my heart.
I credit the increased estrogen to doing an injectables only cycle rather than Femara (which is an aromatase inhibitor and decreases estrogen production) plus injectables. You may be wondering why in the world you would want to decrease estrogen? How about a teeny biology lesson?
Sometimes (cue mood lighting), when a man and a woman love each other very much...(cue sound of record needle scratched across album), oops, wrong lesson.
So why inhibit estrogen? What good will that do the cycle? Well, it all has to do with the HPO (hypothalamus-pituitary- ovary) axis**. There are several of these axes in the body that control the secretion of a variety of hormones from glands like the thyroid and adrenals and the ovaries in females or testes in males. In the case of the HPO axis, the hypothalamus (H) produces GnRH (gonadotropin releasing hormone, also called LHRH) which acts on the pituitary to release FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and/or LH (luteinizing hormone). FSH and LH then act on the ovary, and depending on the time of the cycle, stimulate an amazing assortment of activities and further ovarian hormone production. The ovaries are the main site of estrogen and progesterone (ovarian steroids) production, and also release protein hormones called inhibins and activins. This is where everything gets a little complicated: the hypothalamus stimulates the pituatary and the pituitary stimulates the ovary. The ovary feeds back or signals back to the hypothalamus AND the pituitary and depending on the time of the cycle this feedback may be either negative or positive.
If you recall a few days ago, I put up a diagram/graph depicting the human menstrual cycle. Early in the cycle, the axis is mainly regulated by estrogen and small amounts of estrogen provide negative feedback to the H and P, essentially saying, hey, that's enough FSH, already, we've got a nice follicle down here and we don't need any more, thank you very much. So the H and P comply slowing release of their respective hormones. In the case of infertility, sometimes you want to whip the H and P to pump out more FSH, so you try to block estrogen. The two main drugs that are used to do this in infertility are Clomid and Femara (letrozole). Clomid blocks the activity of estrogen by binding to its receptor whereas Femara blocks the enzyme that is responsible for production of estrogen. Both drugs end up producing the same effect: reduce negative feedback by estrogen so that the pituitary can release more FSH which will stimulate the ovaries. If you take these drugs earlier in the cycle (say, days 3-7), you tend to get a higher number of follicles, but if you take them later (days 5-9) you would be more likely to have 1 follicle but it will be larger and more folliculicious (a totally made up word). This concludes today's biology lesson...

**FYI, despite having a Ph*Duh in End*crin*l*gy and Repr*ductive Physi*l*gy, I consulted an End*crin*l*gy textbook before writing this. I have forgotten much since I was lectured on the neuroendocrine pathways involved in control of the menstrual cycle back in 1999. I hope it was informative! Let me know if you have any questions.

Posting: Baby wanted.

2007-05-04T18:32:00.000-04:00

As I was driving home from work this evening, I came across a gaggle of teenagers walking down the sidewalk. They appeared to be confident, happy individuals, out enjoying the spring weather, perhaps on their way to a track meet. Watching them walk down the sidewalk, I sort of shuddered involuntarily, some kind of a reflex to thinking about being the parent of a teenager. I have to admit that the prospect terrifies me.
Then I got to thinking about my mom and how, when she was my age, 32, she had a 15 year old daughter (me). And I was a wild child. I made the grades, but how I partied. I put my parents through so much hell when I was a teenager and they didn't know the half of it! I think back on it and I'm sort of amazed I'm here to tell the tale, or rather, allude to it. When I saw those kids, I immediately had this thought: "What if my kids behave as I did, but without half the sense or luck?"
And as I sit here, contemplating my 3rd IUI, which is tomorrow, desperately wanting that little bundle of joy, I hiccup, reminded that the little bundle will someday be a tween then a teen, rebelling against my husband and I. Will I be a cool mom or a basket-case? I know some readers of this blog want kids, have kids, or are pregnant and I am wondering-do you ever think about what it will be like to parent a teenager? I know you are very busy living in the present and maybe don't have much time to sweat the future, the unknowable, but I'm still curious. Does it ever cross your mind?
It's also entirely possible that you were a well-behaved teenager, never consuming an alcoholic beverage before the age of 21, never lying to your parents about where you were spending the night, never...oh, I better stop now, lest I give away all my 'secrets'...but you get the drift. Now, I sincerely hope I haven't put a horrible fear in you. Just in case, I bet your children will be angelic teenagers: clean room, A+ students, dry as the desert, and not ever considering messing around after school with that one kid whose parents always seem to be out of town...
Granted, my exposure to kids is almost entirely to the 5 and under group these days. Perhaps if I spent some more time around teenagers, I would come to admire and respect them. I shouldn't form judgments of teenagers as a whole based on my own behavior during those years. Nor should I base it on the experience I had a few months ago, when driving to work, 3 teens were absurdly walking down the middle of the street, instead of walking on the sidewalk. Those kids scared the hell out of me.
Clearly, I am not ready to parent a teen. So for now, I think I will take a baby or 2 and hope that more of the person I've become trickles into them and less of the person I once was.

Living in the moment.

2007-05-03T22:18:00.000-04:00

Today I came home from work especially early to prepare myself for an event. An outing. A social extravaganza. Ok, that may be going too far, but anyway, there was a reception on campus for my husband's department. He reminded me of it sometime around noon today, and since I hadn't washed my hair or styled it in days and was dressed like a slob (I work in a lab, remember) I went home to shower, do my hair, get dressed up and even put on makeup (foundation eyeliner lipstick eyeshadow) for the evening. To the left you can see my lovely shoes. I love these shoes, and I have worn them on several occasions. They are funky, sexy and they make me about 3 inches taller than my squatty 5'4" normally allows. Plus I always say a size "whatever" looks a little smaller when you look a little taller!
Oh, the shoes. I have run down the street in these shoes. I have danced the night away in these shoes. Tonight, however they kept wanting to slip off my feet. I made it through the reception and dinner without incident! I had a couple glasses of wine, enjoying the last moments of follicular phase before I induce ovulation, participating in some conversation about careers, family, ABC television programming, etc.
My husband and I get up to leave. I waltz over to the bathroom and empty my outrageously full bladder and meet him in the foyer. We make our way to the doors and one shoe slips forward a bit. I catch it with my foot, turn to him and say, "I just wonder if I am going to fall in these shoes-oh, ah, oops" and suddenly I am falling up the steps to leave the building: The toe of my left shoe caught on the step, I grasped the railing with my left hand and in slow motion, desperately tried to catch my balance but went down, and somehow ended up on my back, skinning my right knee in the process (see below).
Imagine my embarrassment. People were staring...people I've never met before. My husband assured me that no one we knew saw this happen. Yeah, right.
The function we attended celebrated the installation a new Chairman in my husband's department as well as an endowed professorship. It was a fancy dinner in the newest research building on campus and there I was-falling down. HI-LARIOUS. Talk about living in the moment. Every moment of that fall was stretched out at least two-fold in my mind. As my husband helped me up, I was laughing so hard, and others turned around to see if I needed help. I just imagined they must think I am some kind of lush. To be honest, I used to be, but I always did an amazing job of holding my liquor, and only my tongue used to get the best of me. But tonight, the shoes and 2 glasses of wine made me fall in public!
As we were driving home, I just kept laughing out loud, I mean, that is some funny shit, right? If you could have seen it, I'm sure you would have laughed. My husband said that I had a death grip on that railing. And that my fall looked like a breakdance move (backspin). Sweet. I can only hope that the hired photographer caught it all on film.

To soothe the hilarious embarrassment of tonight's events, I will leave you with a beautiful picture from my garden. One of the few tulips that managed to bloom this year:

COH/IUI-3 (CD3, CD7)

2007-05-02T21:51:00.000-04:00

CD3:
Initial ultrasound shows that I already have a follicle measuring 11mm. Everything else is small and inconsequential. Also my left ovary is buried under an avalanche of bowels. It gives the tech trouble. She asks me if it gives others trouble. I remind her that she's the only one who's ever scanned my stuff. Oh, all right.
I spend the day fretting about the 11mm follicle, finding various websites that tell me that dominant follicles emerge at a size of 11mm. I worry that the clinic will call and cancel this cycle.
The clinic calls and instructs me to start my injections as planned. I then begin to worry why the cycle wasn't canceled. After all, I can produce single mature follicles on my own.

CD7:
Follow-up ultrasound shows that the follicle has grown to 20mm. Nothing else is even close. One follicle. I am furious. I am angry at myself for prolonging the last cycle, hanging on with prometrium and allowing my body to start stimming a follicle on its own, the normal way, what with the follicle selection, domination, etc. And I have been injecting my precious drugs for that one follicle. The tech tells me to schedule an IUI in 2 days time.
I come home, vent at my husband who instructs me to calm down. It's no big deal, he says. I continue to fume, silently, occasionally glaring at him over the screen of my laptop. Then it's time for me to leave for my consultation with the acupuncturist.
The acupuncturist and I discuss my cycles, my menstrual blood and all sorts of really grody personal things. I love it. I've been wanting someone to pay attention to me as an individual rather than seeing me as a statistic in an evidence-based medicine study. We plan to get together in a week for some acupuncture. I am also instructed to change my diet in a few certain ways. Some supplements are also recommended.
I wait patiently all day long for the clinic to call me and confirm the plan or whatever. It's later than they've ever called and still my cell phone remains conspicuously silent. Finally, I get the call. They want me to keep stimming at half the dose for 2 more days, come in for a follow-up ultrasound and reschedule the IUI for CD11. I begin to worry that I'm going to ovulate on my own.

I begin to think that I worry too much about things that are out of my control. That I roll each detail over in my mind again and again, examining and reexamining. A few months ago, Mel asked whether knowing the diagnosis is worth it when the medical approach is pretty much the same regardless. At the time I think I felt mostly like I would just like a solution, to be pregnant and have a baby, although I would have liked to know what is the problem. Lately I have become just short of obsessed with determining what is causing the infertility. I feel like the key to me getting pregnant is determining the cause and therefore efficiently treating the specific problem. The truth is I don't really know whether it will help, but since I feel it will, I perseverate and ruminate over what might be the cause. And I am losing out on some of the moments of my life. I am living for what I will learn tomorrow morning, how I will feel in 2 days, whether I will have a BFN in 2 weeks. Every day it's a battle for the moments. I have to fight for normalcy to stop worrying so much about why, when, how, what if and just take it a day at a time. It seems pretty basic. Perhaps the acupuncture will help me with this. Perhaps it will continue to be a daily struggle, but I will continue to search for ways to live in the moment.

Going undercover as myself

2007-04-26T17:19:00.000-04:00

I was reading over the last post with an eye to a description of the appointment. Dullsville! How is it possible that I could have only related the plan and that the appointment went "well" when there were so many interesting little parts of the appointment. I think the next time I'm meeting with Dr. RE I will have to wear a wire so I can capture all of the little nuggets, squirreling them away to share with y'all.
Some parts of our conversation stick out in my mind, other details I have completely lost. Why does this happen? I think my brain gets ahead and then behind or over and under itself and the thoughts don't get filed neatly away. Maybe a little digital recording device? Or perhaps I should keep my laptop open on my lap with the web-cam running and I can video myself conversing with Dr. RE and see just what I look like when I ask:

Why can't I get pregnant?
What happens if my body is attacking the implanting embryo? Is surrogacy the only answer?
Do you think I am responding well to the stims? Well, then why am I not pregnant?
Why do I have a burning sensation in my uterus around the time I would expect implantation?
Can I bring a tape to the laparoscopy? I want to see my insides-I want to watch the surgery.
Is there anything I can do to make pregnancy happen???

Or perhaps to see the expression on my face when I make the following statements:

Oh, I'm doing fine today, but you should have seen me last Thursday, what a mess!
I don't think we're ready to consider IVF just yet.
I keep wondering if there is something I could change, my diet, my habits, that would make me get pregnant.
Thanks so much for all of your help, no, really, I am fine.

But mainly, I guess I am an obsessive female who likes to analyze and reanalyze every word of a conversation to milk out the obvious meaning and the underlying meaning of each phrase.

On the other hand, I could try concentrating, taking notes, and eating lunch before a mid-afternoon appointment!

2007-04-25T09:56:00.000-04:00

I just spoke with an acupuncturist and I have a consultation scheduled for next Tuesday!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

2007-04-24T19:51:00.000-04:00

Dear readers, thanks for checking in today, some of you multiple times waiting to hear what the frog is going on down below.

First a word about the paralyzing peestick paroxysms that defined the past cycle. The evidence, pictured to the left, shows not only pregnancy tests (in either the blue or white with pink cap flavors) but also the bad-faith-instilling and overly analyzed OPK sticks (in green). I tested every day from 9dpo until today 17dpo with no positive hpt to be seen. Something bizarre happened 13dpo (just above the first white/pink monster), an evaporation smudge or whatever. It gave me a small amount of hope until the next morning and then I could no longer ignore the facts, er, well, today I could no longer ignore the facts.
As an aside, I want to reassure you that I normally do not test more than twice and NEVER have I tested before 10dpo. Something just came over me. I even started running dangerously low on my normal 'cheap' test strips (purchased from Am.a.zon.com) forcing me to make a trip to Target to pick up some First Response. Good thing my mother-in-law wasn't visiting this week...
Oscar, it seems could not resist me when I was holding the camera and had to investigate the peesticks for himself. Scat, Cat!

As you may have read a few days ago, I was wondering about the rising signal on the OPK tests. Because I am a crazed infertile woman, I was placing all my bets on hCG. But that didn't really seem to jive with the home pregnancy tests which were clearly, unequivocally negative. I puzzled and puzzled and then I went back to the classic chart above and I noticed something important. Late in the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle (26-27 on this chart), while the corpus luteum is dying, inhibin levels drop. Inhibin is a peptide (or small protein) hormone secreted by the ovary that inhibits FSH secretion. You can see in the chart that FSH starts going up before menses even commence. So FSH-alpha subunit is most likely what the OPKs were picking up on 15dpo and even more today on 17dpo. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Now on to the appointment. It went pretty well I would say. I have a plan of action for the next 2 cycles. I am going to begin an injectables/IUI cycle just as soon as my period gets here and we figure out whether my ovaries are sufficiently quiet. In the event that this cycle should also fail, I am already on the schedule to have a combo laparoscopy/hysteroscopy during a break cycle immediately after. Hopefully (deja vu) I won't be needing those tests because hopefully I will be pregnant, but I am not holding my breath. Not for a second.

I was working on a list while waiting for Dr RE to come to my exam room (things I needed to work on back at the lab, appointments that need to be made, note to RE, note to self):

figures for grant (specifically legends)
prepare for crosslinking experiment
call about acupuncture appointment
hair/nails?
hey chucklehead,
I can hear you talking and laughing right outside the exam room door. I am in here waiting for you.
Try not to start crying.

Ah, that last one. I kept thinking of Joan Didion: "She's a real cool customer." For some reason I couldn't let Dr RE see me cry, react in any way to this failure.
I guess I'm saving it all for you and my husband.

short update

2007-04-24T12:06:00.000-04:00

I just talked to the RE nurse. I'm not pregnant. Stop the progesterone, get the period, implement the plan. Oh wait, what is the plan again?

I got a last minute appointment with my RE for this afternoon. RE nurse thinks I need some RE doctor face time before I move on to whatever is next. So I will bring my plan, we will analyze it, and I will dutifully report it to you.

I promise to update you before I spend the evening crocheting furiously (and by furiously, I DON'T mean angrily, just as fast as I can...deadlines...).

What kind of world?

2007-04-23T09:09:00.000-04:00

I heard this story on NPR moments ago on my drive to work. My heart is broken for these women and all who have suffered similar injustice. What kind of person can do such a thing? How do these women go on?

More info than you want on a sunny Sunday morning

2007-04-22T09:31:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to begin this post. Or how to write it. Or end it. Basically I don't have a clue what is going on. What I can say without a doubt: I have been doing pregnancy tests every morning since last Monday (9dpo: 9 days past ovulation). Negative times 7, including today (although each day I have convinced myself that if I squint and look at the test at a certain angle it could almost maybe look like it might be positive the next time). 9, 13, and 15 (today) dpo I have also tested with an OPK (ovulation predictor kit). The OPK appears to be getting positive. So what does this mean? Can I use an OPK to test whether I am pregnant?
About a year and a half ago this happened to me on an unassisted cycle. At that time I was a couple of days late, I had huge painful breasts, positive OPK, negative home pregnancy test, then I suddenly got my period. I didn't know what to make of it, but searched Dr. Google which led me to peeonastick.com-a website for all sorts of POAS information. Specifically I was looking for info about using OPK as an HPT.
Fast forward to my first trigger shot, 1.5 cycles ago. The trigger shot (Ovidrel) is hCG. It performs the same function as LH-it finishes off follicle maturation and causes the follicle to rupture. It has a longer half-life than LH, which may explain why it is used to trigger ovulation. Anyway, I was curious about how these things would react with the pee sticks, so I tested them for several days after the trigger shot. I was somewhat surprised at how faint the pregnancy tests were when compared side by side to OPKs performed at the exact same time.

PEESTICK SCIENCE LESSON:

LH (the gonadotropin produced by the pituitary that stimulates ovulation) and HCG (gonadotropin produced by the placenta) share significant structural similarity. Both of these hormones are heterodimers, made up of α and β subunits. First: the α subunits of human LH and human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) have an identical polypeptide structure (The same α subunit is also shared by FSH and TSH, follicle and thyroid stimulating hormone, respectively). In contrast, the β subunit of each hormone is unique and pregnancy tests test specifically for the hCG β subunit. Just for fun: I have included an alignment of the LH and hCG β subunit protein sequences (they are considered to be 82% identical).

LH  1    MEMLQGLLLLLLLSMGGAWASREPLRPWCHPINAILAVEKEGCPVCITVNTTICAGYCPT  60
AL       MEM QGLLLLLLLSMGG WAS+EPLRP C PINA LAVEKEGCPVCITVNTTICAGYCPT
CG  1    MEMFQGLLLLLLLSMGGTWASKEPLRPRCRPINATLAVEKEGCPVCITVNTTICAGYCPT  60

LH  61   MMRVLQAVLPPLPQVVCTYRDVRFESIRLPGCPRGVDPVVSFPVALSCRCGPCRRSTSDC  120
AL       M RVLQ VLP LPQVVC YRDVRFESIRLPGCPRGV+PVVS+ VALSC+C  CRRST+DC
CG  61   MTRVLQGVLPALPQVVCNYRDVRFESIRLPGCPRGVNPVVSYAVALSCQCALCRRSTTDC  120

LH  121  GGPKDHPLTCDHPQL  135
AL       GGPKDHPLTCD P+
CG  121  GGPKDHPLTCDDPRF  135

The middle sequence is the alignment. Wherever a letter is present in the middle line, the 2 sequences share identity. You can easily see that the 2 proteins are very similar. One other important factor is that LH undergoes processing before it is secreted whereas hCG does not. The amino acids in red on LH are not secreted. If I had to guess, I would imagine that the hCG tests specifically for those initial amino acids between 1-24. Of course this may not be the case, but given how similar the sequences are elsewhere, it makes the most sense.
So what does an OPK or LH test pick up? The α subunits which are identical (encoded by the same gene) between LH, FSH, TSH and HCG.
END of LESSON--

So my peesticks are picking up increasing amounts of α, but do not detect hCG β. So I could have elevated levels of LH (usually picked up during ovulation), FSH (usually not measurable unless one has ovarian failure i.e. no hormonal signals from the ovary), TSH (indicates hypothyroidism, lack of negative feedback from thyroid), or hCG (pregnancy). So what am I to do?
Plan: call the clinic tomorrow morning and beg them for a blood hCG β test. The blood tests are much more sensitive and I will finally have an answer and can decide what to do about this cycle.
For shits and giggles, let's just assume that it is actually hCG that is turning the OPK positive. A slowly rising hCG isn't a good thing either. But we'll cross that bridge later. For now, I'm staving off Aunt Flo with progesterone suppositories and hoping for the best.